Showing posts with label Loving's Cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loving's Cancer. Show all posts
11.19.2013
11.18.2013
11.15.2013
11.12.2013
11.10.2013
My Plan to Donate SS Retirement to causes asap....
There is a setback:
Medical.
I'm on DC Medicaid- it is near bottomless. The instant I go on SS Retirement I am no longer eligible.
I have 12 years of dental currently covered, needing to be done.
I have months of chemo left for this cancer.
Looks like a delay till Feb, Mar, next year.
Sorry.
I'll keep you informed.
Medical.
I'm on DC Medicaid- it is near bottomless. The instant I go on SS Retirement I am no longer eligible.
I have 12 years of dental currently covered, needing to be done.
I have months of chemo left for this cancer.
Looks like a delay till Feb, Mar, next year.
Sorry.
I'll keep you informed.
Cancer Update: Very depressed at lack of physical progress. Sigh.
1 good day, three to five bad ones. I keep looking to the 1 good day as a new normal, but not, so far. I was stronger, weeks ago. Walking 6 blocks to CVS was a 2 hour event today. All my body wants to do is sleep, to deal with the discomfort, pain, feeling of illness. But it can't sleep any more. The Ibupropen that appeared promising doesn't seem to do anything now.
IT TRULY COULD BE 1 MILLION TIMES WORSE.
But I am feeling worthless, a drain, ill, sick, hurting... for sooooooooooooo long now.
Oh well.
IT TRULY COULD BE 1 MILLION TIMES WORSE.
But I am feeling worthless, a drain, ill, sick, hurting... for sooooooooooooo long now.
Oh well.
11.08.2013
Cancer Update: New Pain Meds WORKING. Back pain explained. NEW CHEMO ROUNDS, 3 :-( . Staples removed....
Earlier today: http://jesusgodgoodetcnjay.blogspot.com/2013/11/cancer-update-have-been-slepping-off.html
New Pain Meds WORKING. Simple ibupropin, but heavy dose - PAIN MANAGEABLE FOR THE FIRST IN MANY DAYS!!!
I Love my surgeon (as I Love Doc Hwang, and primary Doc Cardile) - I don't use the term lightly. Angels. Godsends I think he, Doc Fisbein, is head of liver transplant department at Georgetown, but I don't know that. But he is a master surgeon, teaching all over the world. Humble. Kind. Generous with his Lovely smile, time, patience. Master at what he does. Great communicator.
He, doc F, feels their part of it was 100% successful. The path report says yes, the tumors were cancerous, malignant, largely but not all dead from the chemo prior and the embolism of Sept. (God bless Doc Banovac). Needed to come out. Path report says, got them all, with a big margin of healthy tissue to spare. All, perfect signs.
Back Pain - I told doc F my guess that they must hyper extend the back during surgery to open up the surgery site, or something. I said I guess that because both immediately post op, and for days, my top pain site by far was not my tummy, but my back. No, he said. But what we do is litterally place a hook under the rib cage, in my case, on the right side, to lift it up. Also, on that side only, we cut all the stomach muscles. So, between both, yes, it would have the same effect on the back.
NEW CHEMO ROUNDS, 3 :-( .
I think the learned process of cancer treatment is one step at a time - tell the patient, one step at a time, only. It can be a long process and they don't want to scare off the patient up front? I have no complaint.
So... doc F is expecting that my oncologist will likely propose 2-3 more rounds of chemo. Oh joy. :-( The concern is, if even 1 or 2 or 3... cancer cells escaped into the lymph, or wherever, it all starts again.
Staples removed....
Far from painless, but surely tolerable, and much more comfortable with them out than in.
'It'll be 3 months from the operation that you will begin to feel normal again.' Doc F.
Oh, LOL - doc F said, and truly seemed to mean, 'You have been a great patient,' even despite my strong, totally drugged opposition, immediately post op - my psychotic break. He and the team surely deserved nothing less from me.
He explained that the anesthesia team now, can completely reverse the drugs that put you under with their opposites, producing the effect of instantly coming to - sometimes, to ill effects. Amazing.
After seeing Doc F, and some of his wonderful, Loving team today, Ms. Lund, Nurse Megan... I left and went up to 7 Bles, at GUH, my site for the 8 days of often really rough recovery. I wanted to say a final, 'thanks.' They were overjoyed to see me, and so pleased I was doing so well.
There are little bits of Christ, Loving, the Spirit if God, Jesus-likes, Christ-likes.... to be found even today. Must proliferate, or all will be lost, forever.
I am a typing cripple - severe atrophy. Skills hugely atrophied. :-(
Well, looks like I may have another 10 or 20 years to Serve. My only 2 prayers are, 1st for the next 200 billion kids, and 2nd, that I get back in the fight, fast, even partly worthy of all the Love, and Kindness, and Service that is being squandered on me.
New Pain Meds WORKING. Simple ibupropin, but heavy dose - PAIN MANAGEABLE FOR THE FIRST IN MANY DAYS!!!
I Love my surgeon (as I Love Doc Hwang, and primary Doc Cardile) - I don't use the term lightly. Angels. Godsends I think he, Doc Fisbein, is head of liver transplant department at Georgetown, but I don't know that. But he is a master surgeon, teaching all over the world. Humble. Kind. Generous with his Lovely smile, time, patience. Master at what he does. Great communicator.
He, doc F, feels their part of it was 100% successful. The path report says yes, the tumors were cancerous, malignant, largely but not all dead from the chemo prior and the embolism of Sept. (God bless Doc Banovac). Needed to come out. Path report says, got them all, with a big margin of healthy tissue to spare. All, perfect signs.
Back Pain - I told doc F my guess that they must hyper extend the back during surgery to open up the surgery site, or something. I said I guess that because both immediately post op, and for days, my top pain site by far was not my tummy, but my back. No, he said. But what we do is litterally place a hook under the rib cage, in my case, on the right side, to lift it up. Also, on that side only, we cut all the stomach muscles. So, between both, yes, it would have the same effect on the back.
NEW CHEMO ROUNDS, 3 :-( .
I think the learned process of cancer treatment is one step at a time - tell the patient, one step at a time, only. It can be a long process and they don't want to scare off the patient up front? I have no complaint.
So... doc F is expecting that my oncologist will likely propose 2-3 more rounds of chemo. Oh joy. :-( The concern is, if even 1 or 2 or 3... cancer cells escaped into the lymph, or wherever, it all starts again.
Staples removed....
Far from painless, but surely tolerable, and much more comfortable with them out than in.
'It'll be 3 months from the operation that you will begin to feel normal again.' Doc F.
Oh, LOL - doc F said, and truly seemed to mean, 'You have been a great patient,' even despite my strong, totally drugged opposition, immediately post op - my psychotic break. He and the team surely deserved nothing less from me.
He explained that the anesthesia team now, can completely reverse the drugs that put you under with their opposites, producing the effect of instantly coming to - sometimes, to ill effects. Amazing.
After seeing Doc F, and some of his wonderful, Loving team today, Ms. Lund, Nurse Megan... I left and went up to 7 Bles, at GUH, my site for the 8 days of often really rough recovery. I wanted to say a final, 'thanks.' They were overjoyed to see me, and so pleased I was doing so well.
There are little bits of Christ, Loving, the Spirit if God, Jesus-likes, Christ-likes.... to be found even today. Must proliferate, or all will be lost, forever.
I am a typing cripple - severe atrophy. Skills hugely atrophied. :-(
Well, looks like I may have another 10 or 20 years to Serve. My only 2 prayers are, 1st for the next 200 billion kids, and 2nd, that I get back in the fight, fast, even partly worthy of all the Love, and Kindness, and Service that is being squandered on me.
Cancer Update: Have been slepping off the pain, for days now....
It isn't that the pain is excruciating, it is not. It is that it is endless, or it is that
I've become a lush, a lazy bum, but I don't feel that later way. But it is possible.
I've weaned completely off the opiates, I think. Today will be my 1st full day,
but I've been on 1/4 rations or less for days.
My body has even said, don't even watch MSNBC - sitting up is too painful.
Just lie back, and find positions where there is no pain, and sleep. So, for days
now.... argh.
Today, in an hour, I head to the hospital to get the staples removed and to hear from
the surgeon about the path report.
I'll ask him about non-addictive pain meds.
I've become a lush, a lazy bum, but I don't feel that later way. But it is possible.
I've weaned completely off the opiates, I think. Today will be my 1st full day,
but I've been on 1/4 rations or less for days.
My body has even said, don't even watch MSNBC - sitting up is too painful.
Just lie back, and find positions where there is no pain, and sleep. So, for days
now.... argh.
Today, in an hour, I head to the hospital to get the staples removed and to hear from
the surgeon about the path report.
I'll ask him about non-addictive pain meds.
11.05.2013
Cancer Update: So odd. One day I feel near normal, the next 3 deeply wounded. 1/4 the opiates of last week. Friday I see the surgeon. Productivity has taken a huge hit. Thank Good for MSNBC.com - able to hold my attention those hours that the pain, discomfort, is too much for me to read, write, repost.... DEFINITELY HEALING - but it is a loooooonnnnnnnggggggggg process.
Cancer Update: So odd. One day I feel near normal, the next 3 deeply wounded. 1/4 the opiates of last week. Friday I see the surgeon. Productivity has taken a huge hit. Thank Good for MSNBC.com - able to hold my attention those hours that the pain, discomfort, is too much for me to read, write, repost.... DEFINITELY HEALING - but it is a loooooonnnnnnnggggggggg process.
11.03.2013
***** Cancer Update: I was out in 8 days. I had the best, Doc F, and Doc B. THANK YOU, for my life, so far. A Vital Measure: Your Surgeon's Skill New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
New York Times
11.02.2013
nd. Cancer Update: Back from Hell of Yesterday. Pain meds balanced again, sort of. Friday they tell me the Pathology Report. Why haven't they told me till now - 3 weeks?
nd. Cancer Update: Back from Hell of Yesterday. Pain meds balanced again, sort of. Friday they tell me the Pathology Report. Why haven't they told me till now - 3 weeks?
***** WHY???? WHY DO YOU ALLOW THIS BLOG, MY MAJOR SITE, BLOGGER, TO HAVE LESS THAN 20 SUBSCRIBERS TO THE DAILY EMAIL SUMMARY FROM GOOGLE??? IT IS ANONYMOUS, FREE. DO YOU INFLUENCE NO ONE??? COME ON. FIND SOME GUTS.
***** WHY???? WHY DO YOU ALLOW THIS BLOG, MY MAJOR SITE, BLOGGER, TO HAVE LESS THAN 20 SUBSCRIBERS TO THE DAILY EMAIL SUMMARY FROM GOOGLE???
IT IS ANONYMOUS, FREE. DO YOU INFLUENCE NO ONE??? (I know the count, not the WHO).
COME ON. FIND SOME GUTS.
IT IS ANONYMOUS, FREE. DO YOU INFLUENCE NO ONE??? (I know the count, not the WHO).
COME ON. FIND SOME GUTS.
Needing Previously owned winter jacket - my 16 hour per day home. Last spring police threw all our stuff out as a periodic offering to real-estate barons.
Hello. Please be on the lookout for a
winter home for me. I've explored several avenues
and so far no luck. And, I'm not currently on the street where they could be handing things out now.
Last spring police threw all our stuff out as a periodic offering to real-estate barons and tourists.
Non-urgent for a few more weeks, hopefully.
I have zero expectations, but if you think you have something, please let me know
so I can avoid duplicate work by someone else (start_loving at yahoo dot com)
MUST MEET SPECS - I KNOW WHAT WILL WORK AND WHAT NOT:
* PREVIOUSLY OWNED - ZERO COST TO ACQUIRE, BY ANYONE. NON-NEGOTIABLE; PLEASE NO GAMING ON THIS POINT.
* NOT TOO ATTRACTIVE: 1. LEAVE 'ATTRACTIVE' FOR OTHERS; 2. NOT
ATTRACT MUGGER OR POLICE ATTENTION.
* DARK COLOR (SEE ABOVE # 2). NOT SHOW DIRT. MILITARY, MARINE, A PLUS.
* LARGE, STRONGLY ATTACHED, HOOD WITH DRAW STRING.
* LARGE TO XL FOR LOTS OF LAYERING
* MEDIUM WEIGHT FOR MODERATE DAYS.
* WIND AND WATER RESISTANT
* STRONG DESIGN - I LITERALLY LIVE IN IT EVERY DAY
* GOOD FUNCTIONAL POCKETS
* NOTHING LUXURIOUS - OTHERS NEED THAT MORE
* FLEECE LINING IS USUALLY THE BEST - WARM WHEN DAMP, CHEAP
* DC Local preferred to avoid shipping costs
PS: ALSO NEED ONE OR TWO PR FLEECE, COTTON SWEAT PANTS - I WEAR THEM UNDER MY PANTS TO SURVIVE THE COLD. USED, NO CHARGE TO ANYONE, DARK COLOR. MY INSEAM IS 32" OR SLIGHTLY LONGER.
winter home for me. I've explored several avenues
and so far no luck. And, I'm not currently on the street where they could be handing things out now.
Last spring police threw all our stuff out as a periodic offering to real-estate barons and tourists.
Non-urgent for a few more weeks, hopefully.
I have zero expectations, but if you think you have something, please let me know
so I can avoid duplicate work by someone else (start_loving at yahoo dot com)
MUST MEET SPECS - I KNOW WHAT WILL WORK AND WHAT NOT:
* PREVIOUSLY OWNED - ZERO COST TO ACQUIRE, BY ANYONE. NON-NEGOTIABLE; PLEASE NO GAMING ON THIS POINT.
* NOT TOO ATTRACTIVE: 1. LEAVE 'ATTRACTIVE' FOR OTHERS; 2. NOT
ATTRACT MUGGER OR POLICE ATTENTION.
* DARK COLOR (SEE ABOVE # 2). NOT SHOW DIRT. MILITARY, MARINE, A PLUS.
* LARGE, STRONGLY ATTACHED, HOOD WITH DRAW STRING.
* LARGE TO XL FOR LOTS OF LAYERING
* MEDIUM WEIGHT FOR MODERATE DAYS.
* WIND AND WATER RESISTANT
* STRONG DESIGN - I LITERALLY LIVE IN IT EVERY DAY
* GOOD FUNCTIONAL POCKETS
* NOTHING LUXURIOUS - OTHERS NEED THAT MORE
* FLEECE LINING IS USUALLY THE BEST - WARM WHEN DAMP, CHEAP
* DC Local preferred to avoid shipping costs
PS: ALSO NEED ONE OR TWO PR FLEECE, COTTON SWEAT PANTS - I WEAR THEM UNDER MY PANTS TO SURVIVE THE COLD. USED, NO CHARGE TO ANYONE, DARK COLOR. MY INSEAM IS 32" OR SLIGHTLY LONGER.
11.01.2013
Cancer Update: Huge pain afternoon and evening. Trying to do 1/2 the morphine. Going very badly. 100% of all effort is going toward dealing with the pain.
Cancer Update: Huge pain afternoon and evening. Trying to do 1/2 the morphine. Going very badly. 100% of all effort is going toward dealing with the pain.
10.31.2013
Cancer Update: Major productivity setback. Spent all day unintentionally in withdrawal from the morphine I've been on. Wiped out. In pain. Greatly slowed. Losing a few days now.
Cancer Update: Major productivity setback. Spent all day unintentionally in withdrawal from the morphine I've been on. Wiped out. In pain. Greatly slowed. Losing a few days now.
10.30.2013
***** Cancer Update: Utterly astounding. Only one person in my entire 62 years, just one, has had a desperate, desperate, desperate, desire to spend time with me, to get to know me.
***** Utterly astounding. Only one person in my entire 62 years, just one, has had a desperate, desperate, desperate, desire to spend time with me, to get to know me.
Do you know about whom I'm speaking? Do you know about who I am not speaking? I don't mean I'm Holding anyone off the list, rather that no one has been left off the potential list, persons who otherwise might be obvious choices.
I'm not speaking of any of my coworkers, not at any point in my career. I'm not speaking of any of my bosses, not at any point in my career. I'm not speaking of my biological children. Not speaking of my biological mother. I'm not speaking of my biological sisters. I'm not speaking of my brothers and sisters in law. I'm not speaking of the non biological family that literally have adjusted their own lives in major ways so that my life, my actual existence, would continue. I'm certainly not speaking of anyone in the so called church. I'm not speaking of anyone in the activist movement, including the few that I consider to be activists, and that may even consider me to be one.
Well, I just thought of one exception. My dog Ralf, truly,, and at some level that's probably very significant. But I'll not spend more time on it here. A college, early marriage companion. An extraordinary force of nature.
I'm not speaking of the one person that I know has loved me, and shaped me, more than any other life or the creator itself. My dad. I'm speaking of my dad. And though I will not explore it here, every aspect and more, including the implications, probably apply to him almost completely, and to no one else that he or I have ever known.
Me. I'm talking about me. The person that has desperately wanted to spend time with me, as much time as possible in each day,, to get to know me intimately, is me; no one else, at any time,.
Now, several things by way of reference.
I don't know how unusual it would be for a 62 year old man to have these perceptions, or woman, for that matter. My suspicion is that it is extremely rare that anyone in this society wants to spend much time with themselves at all, let alone massive amounts of time so that they know every relevant detail.
Some readers may be burning with the term narcissism at this point. But that is not what it is. Only in the last decade or so do I have any awareness at all of liking me. Any awareness before that I have is one of great dislike, great dissatisfaction, agony at my infinite shortfalls.
What has changed in the last 15 years? Not that these shortfalls had been healed! What I understand is that I am immensely of interest, beautiful, fascinating, of near infinite potential, of deadly shortfall; a project of infinite importance, of infinite potential to become what the world needs of me, of near total shortfall, and a project so absolutely in fixing himself that any other possible pursuit on earth tends to pale in its presence, for lack of interest complex in the detail challenge importance….
Now, this "me," that so doggedly has wanted to spend time with me, time at the expense of time I could spend getting to know others? No! No! No! No! But to me I was largely and uniquely available. And no one else wanted me to get to know them. Pretty much, ever.
The degree to which I've devoted massive decades to coming to know me, was that a preference over knowing others? No! No!.... But A. No one else cared to have me know them, and 2. As my own available Guinea pig, any time that I didn't have to get to know others, if I used that time effectively, I gained in my ability to use rare time with others more effectively.
Was my interest in knowing me, more especially, to know what was different and special about me? Absolutely not!!! Then, now, and forever, I perceive, I've learned, I understand, I've seen confirmed, that in everything from our DNA to our learned aspects of our nervous system, we are all 99.999% the same in our attributes. And that all important changes, differences, which tend to be the source of joy and suffering, are due to our ignorant, inept, clumsy handling of common features to make us mistakenly feel like alien beings from one another.
As I said at the onset, I've never had these thoughts before except an isolated fragment here or an isolated fragment there, but this is profoundly new for me within the last hour, and I'm immensely glad to have it. If there are a few that have known me for many many years, the few might find it interesting to know.
Will I be writing more on this subject? Will I be exploring this in some depth? Will this be my last writing in this domain. I have no idea.
Note: LOL. What I do know is that by Monday, 10 days of recovery from a massive, massive, massive operation will be behind me. That my veins are coursing with morphine: that more pain signals are being sent into me than I am paying attention to. Make no mistake, I have zero time, now more than ever, for idle chatter. I'm writing this because I am certain it is worth sharing. But that does not mean I am correct. And I owe it to anyone that has read this far to be reminded of what physically is going on with me.
Do you know about whom I'm speaking? Do you know about who I am not speaking? I don't mean I'm Holding anyone off the list, rather that no one has been left off the potential list, persons who otherwise might be obvious choices.
I'm not speaking of any of my coworkers, not at any point in my career. I'm not speaking of any of my bosses, not at any point in my career. I'm not speaking of my biological children. Not speaking of my biological mother. I'm not speaking of my biological sisters. I'm not speaking of my brothers and sisters in law. I'm not speaking of the non biological family that literally have adjusted their own lives in major ways so that my life, my actual existence, would continue. I'm certainly not speaking of anyone in the so called church. I'm not speaking of anyone in the activist movement, including the few that I consider to be activists, and that may even consider me to be one.
Well, I just thought of one exception. My dog Ralf, truly,, and at some level that's probably very significant. But I'll not spend more time on it here. A college, early marriage companion. An extraordinary force of nature.
I'm not speaking of the one person that I know has loved me, and shaped me, more than any other life or the creator itself. My dad. I'm speaking of my dad. And though I will not explore it here, every aspect and more, including the implications, probably apply to him almost completely, and to no one else that he or I have ever known.
Me. I'm talking about me. The person that has desperately wanted to spend time with me, as much time as possible in each day,, to get to know me intimately, is me; no one else, at any time,.
Now, several things by way of reference.
I don't know how unusual it would be for a 62 year old man to have these perceptions, or woman, for that matter. My suspicion is that it is extremely rare that anyone in this society wants to spend much time with themselves at all, let alone massive amounts of time so that they know every relevant detail.
Some readers may be burning with the term narcissism at this point. But that is not what it is. Only in the last decade or so do I have any awareness at all of liking me. Any awareness before that I have is one of great dislike, great dissatisfaction, agony at my infinite shortfalls.
What has changed in the last 15 years? Not that these shortfalls had been healed! What I understand is that I am immensely of interest, beautiful, fascinating, of near infinite potential, of deadly shortfall; a project of infinite importance, of infinite potential to become what the world needs of me, of near total shortfall, and a project so absolutely in fixing himself that any other possible pursuit on earth tends to pale in its presence, for lack of interest complex in the detail challenge importance….
Now, this "me," that so doggedly has wanted to spend time with me, time at the expense of time I could spend getting to know others? No! No! No! No! But to me I was largely and uniquely available. And no one else wanted me to get to know them. Pretty much, ever.
The degree to which I've devoted massive decades to coming to know me, was that a preference over knowing others? No! No!.... But A. No one else cared to have me know them, and 2. As my own available Guinea pig, any time that I didn't have to get to know others, if I used that time effectively, I gained in my ability to use rare time with others more effectively.
Was my interest in knowing me, more especially, to know what was different and special about me? Absolutely not!!! Then, now, and forever, I perceive, I've learned, I understand, I've seen confirmed, that in everything from our DNA to our learned aspects of our nervous system, we are all 99.999% the same in our attributes. And that all important changes, differences, which tend to be the source of joy and suffering, are due to our ignorant, inept, clumsy handling of common features to make us mistakenly feel like alien beings from one another.
As I said at the onset, I've never had these thoughts before except an isolated fragment here or an isolated fragment there, but this is profoundly new for me within the last hour, and I'm immensely glad to have it. If there are a few that have known me for many many years, the few might find it interesting to know.
Will I be writing more on this subject? Will I be exploring this in some depth? Will this be my last writing in this domain. I have no idea.
Note: LOL. What I do know is that by Monday, 10 days of recovery from a massive, massive, massive operation will be behind me. That my veins are coursing with morphine: that more pain signals are being sent into me than I am paying attention to. Make no mistake, I have zero time, now more than ever, for idle chatter. I'm writing this because I am certain it is worth sharing. But that does not mean I am correct. And I owe it to anyone that has read this far to be reminded of what physically is going on with me.
10.29.2013
***** Cancer Update: Out of Cash - no cell phone - hospital problems. We'll see. I NEVER ask for donations for my work, except by DOING my work. It falls on deaf ears. Always has since I switched from making folks rich, or richer. Hmmmm.
Cancer Update: Out of Cash - no cell phone - hospital problems - no pain meds this weekend??? We'll see. I NEVER ask for donations for my work, except by DOING my work. AND BY GOD, I DO THAT, EVERY BREATH, FOR 15 YEARS NOW.
It falls on totally deaf ears. Always has since I switched from making folks rich, or richer, to bringing more joy and less suffering into the world. Hmmmm.
It is 100% wonderful, because it is so clear, and so clarifying. We have totally lost the ability to measure value except in terms of what others pay for it, or demand for it. (LOVING NEVER WAITS TO SEE, or it is not Loving.)
We've gone Value Blind - 100%. And it is my joy to rediscover value, and joyfully joyfully and repeatedly die for it, and thereby make our blindness potentially manifest. But probably not soon enough for me - I'll trip the trip wire, go over the edge. No matter. I've been on the edge soooooo many times - just inches away from the edge of the cliff that just a few bucks were required to survive, with it only to arrive from the Creator's Angel, just in the nick of time - well, it is too close tho the edge for too long now. Will it get me this time? It is only a matter if time. And that is good.
Maybe the cell phone. $27 bucks every 3 months only for emergencies. I never use it. I hate it, but doc's, depts, some won't use it.
One that is trying to arrange my meds for this weekend may be one. Without a refill, I'm naked. No, I'll not run in front of a bus, but the thought will occur to me, often over the course of the weekend, and later.
I NEVER MANIPULATE - too little, too weak, too late. BUT I ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME A MANIPULATION, IN THIS CASE, A LITMUS TEST, BY FINDING, FOLLOWING, LIVING OUT WHAT THE TRUTH NEEDS OF ME.
How useful to Truth and Visibility if I go without meds this weekend because the value of my work (and in Jesus' eyes my work IS MORE valuable THAN THAT OF A VERY FEW, ZERO CREDIT TO ME) is invisible.
I couldn't be more joyful, at peace of heart, for being used so creatively, so usefully, so cleverly.
It falls on totally deaf ears. Always has since I switched from making folks rich, or richer, to bringing more joy and less suffering into the world. Hmmmm.
It is 100% wonderful, because it is so clear, and so clarifying. We have totally lost the ability to measure value except in terms of what others pay for it, or demand for it. (LOVING NEVER WAITS TO SEE, or it is not Loving.)
We've gone Value Blind - 100%. And it is my joy to rediscover value, and joyfully joyfully and repeatedly die for it, and thereby make our blindness potentially manifest. But probably not soon enough for me - I'll trip the trip wire, go over the edge. No matter. I've been on the edge soooooo many times - just inches away from the edge of the cliff that just a few bucks were required to survive, with it only to arrive from the Creator's Angel, just in the nick of time - well, it is too close tho the edge for too long now. Will it get me this time? It is only a matter if time. And that is good.
Maybe the cell phone. $27 bucks every 3 months only for emergencies. I never use it. I hate it, but doc's, depts, some won't use it.
One that is trying to arrange my meds for this weekend may be one. Without a refill, I'm naked. No, I'll not run in front of a bus, but the thought will occur to me, often over the course of the weekend, and later.
I NEVER MANIPULATE - too little, too weak, too late. BUT I ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME A MANIPULATION, IN THIS CASE, A LITMUS TEST, BY FINDING, FOLLOWING, LIVING OUT WHAT THE TRUTH NEEDS OF ME.
How useful to Truth and Visibility if I go without meds this weekend because the value of my work (and in Jesus' eyes my work IS MORE valuable THAN THAT OF A VERY FEW, ZERO CREDIT TO ME) is invisible.
I couldn't be more joyful, at peace of heart, for being used so creatively, so usefully, so cleverly.
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