Hi. The other day in an email, among the things a friend commented on,
very compassionately, was how difficult it must be with a cancer diagnosis.
I didn't mean to blow past that, it was just that other things in that
email grabbed my attention.
In well over a decade I'm unaware of any second that my own mortality
has concerned me personally, as it might have in my earliest years. HOWEVER, my mortality as it relates to the benefit or cost thereof to those to whom I
am trying to be a benefit concerns, and conerned me throughout adulthood,
greatly. Even 20 years ago, or so, off and on, when business downturns
threatened my income, layoffs, whatever, and my life was of little emotional benefit to the woman I was married to, and the two bio-sons I had, otherwise, my only thought was how to commit suicide in such a way that they could collect on the insurance, that I would not lead the boys to ever do the same, and in a way that they all would not be too embarrassed, or traumatized (grossed-out) by how I off'd myself. Obviously I squeakedby on this one, never figured out a way that satisfied all those requirements. Well, except I 'killed' myself to be sure the income kept coming, thru the downturns, fulfilling my Loving duty as husband and father, as best I knew to do. LOL.
It will be interesting to see if things change, but regarding the cancer, so far
not a twinge of personal concern. My guess is that if and when it takes me,
I'll probably be able to get into a hospice to manage the pain, tho even when
just weeks ago I was guessing till-death institutionalization due to the Death Fast, guessing the cancer would take me, painfully, in a psych ward, still, no twinge of concern for myself.
It is pretty simple - Life is ONLY found in the face of the emergency of others - I greedily do whatever I have to to Live there - now, averting global Ecocide - I soooo completely identify with the billions we are torturing that there just isn't room to be concerned with myself, EXCEPT as it relates to removing a tool, an avatar, a Loving Spirit from a role that may be beneficial to them. I am not reckless, casual or irresponsible with these tools I've been given to work for others. But these tools, me, are of interest as a means to an end not in themselves. It is Heaven. Sanity. "If you seek to hold on to your life, you will lose it. If you seek to lose (totally give) your Life for the sake of our global neediest Family, you will Gain your Life." Amen.
What may seem confusing, and contradictory to this is, well, my depression
of last week or so - completely gone now. That was zero concern about
my own mortality or suffering -it was horror at how to keep serving in view of
nice, Nurse Ratched-responding folks around me that seemed all to happy
to have me 'Dead' for 6 months in a place like Christ House (no internet, no working, no laptop...) while 60% of that time I otherwise maybe could be fighting for our kids! That was a horror to me, "Cuckoo's Nest," the prospects of being useless to our billions for half a year! The horror of the nice folks around me so zombie-like, dead, clueless, heart-dead. Did you ever see "The English Patient?" And of course, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?"