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My life, my adulthood, is extreme cycles.....

My life, my adulthood, is extreme cycles.....

For months on end I will plunge into a situation, probably dangerous and frightening, to embody it as best I can and therefore come to know it, and eventually my nervous system takes Mercy, my soul, and begins to make sense of it for me enough that I can try and be of some help, some use.

I view these last week's in that way. I'm lost. I'm plunged in and I'm not yet finding my footing. None of this is a complaint, it is a report. The pandemic is a societal coma, or global coma, and my nervous system is trying to come to grips with it. I am not certain that I'm using my time in the way I can to best serve. But it is the best I know and I am trying to claw forward. Spending many many hours a day trying to digest the unfolding Horrors in the world in the hopes that I can begin to find a way forward.

Yesterday I remembered from many weeks past that my mission had been and probably should continue forward, pioneering joy in material hell, for future survivors. I will not be amazed if that is the tow rope that helps me pull out of this quicksand to a place of helpfulness.

My response throughout my adulthood to seeing new catastrophe is to attempt to figure out how to be a catalyst for solution. That reflex has taken charge of my life in the midst of the covid-19 virus and the much more deadly virus that it makes increasingly clear, human selfishness raised to Supreme religion as evidenced in those on the right in this country and the world. And I do not personally regret the pain and difficulty for me in these recent weeks, where I have felt so lost, but I think that I am realizing that I have been lost in the notion that things can be saved which I had several years ago I thought put behind me, facing that they are not going to be saved. And they are not going to be saved.

But I guess I needed this recent weeks of immersion to see that. Again.

And not just the immersion in the horror, many hours every day, and the lockdown, removing me from all physical activism that was my life. But major limbo for my partner, this wonderful vehicle. Weeks and weeks of trying to design a final major upgrade to remove the drivetrain from the tremendous danger zone within which it has existed, bearing twice or more of the weight that it should bear. And the world experts in Vancouver have been slowed to a glacial Pace by the virus. But last night I received this photograph of the almost completed components which may be shipped on Friday arriving first half of next week.

If that transpires and the installation goes successfully then my general sense is that within a month and possibly sooner the Voyage to complete the 48 states will resume.


I may have just lost another really really dear friend. Not to the virus I think. Just to me. Clueless.

Log update: I thrive on feeling accountable. Feeling accountable helps me....

I thrive on feeling accountable.

Feeling accountable helps me... stay on track to have the high level of meaning that makes life worth living for me.

This does not mean that I make myself accountable to others approval. Never. I am accountable to the highest conception of being a contributing human being that I can muster. I'm never allowed to delegate that judgment to anyone else, but I consider at least in my mind what others are thinking, and certainly any and all appropriate and put that I can receive.

How is James spending these recent weeks where his friends are so lavishly affording him a safe and beautiful place 2 shelter in place until things open up from the virus?

I suppose there would be nothing wrong if James were using this for entertainment, Recreation, relaxation, but none of those are ways that James and Joyce spending his time, not since he was a misguided kid. That's just him. Maybe. 

These recent weeks he's devoting all of his time, all of his waking moments, on some combination of the following:

  • Trying to make sense of what the f*** is going on in the world, and sharing those insights that come to him that he finds insightful that might be useful to others. Facebook is the primary communication vehicle he is using.
  • Trying to deal with the internal storms that our dystopian external world can trigger within him such that he is as much of a moment-to-moment as he can be, as he understands that to be the major contribution that he can make to the world, that any of us can make to the world.
  • Working to maintain some reasonable level of capacity within the human motor and energy storage that his body has become over these years so that when the virus lifts and he can resume his mission physically it has not degraded too far. This is translating into 4 hours or so of intense cycling every other day.
  • Being a friend to the heroic mom of two teenage boys that are on the autism spectrum, physically located in Michigan, that he met briefly years ago when the trailer was being built there, that he continues to view as one of the most high performance Souls that has ever encountered. By way of analogy, if she were a heroic pilot of an airplane flying through, flying herself and her two children, through a hurricane that otherwise couldn't be escaped, and James could provide some ground Support Services, he would do so. He is doing so. It is a great privilege, and sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of time. Which he is Overjoyed to supply. A great privilege.
  • Long overdue maintenance and planning and execution of a gigantic final upgrade to this wonderful solar RV bicycle. The gigantic Achilles heel has always been the drive system which has been way underpowered and way over stressed for this 1200 lb payload. With the supplier in Canada of the two additional Motors crippled by the virus the process of determining what was appropriate order has been arduous. Three or four agonizing weeks were otherwise it could have been three or four days. Hopefully the components will arrive within the next 10 days or so at which point a local welder hopefully will execute the work needed so that James can to get it all installed. And what work he can do to prepare the vehicle for that is doing.
That probably puts forth 90% or so of how I'm spending my time. James