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5.07.2020

My life, my adulthood, is extreme cycles.....

My life, my adulthood, is extreme cycles.....



For months on end I will plunge into a situation, probably dangerous and frightening, to embody it as best I can and therefore come to know it, and eventually my nervous system takes Mercy, my soul, and begins to make sense of it for me enough that I can try and be of some help, some use.

I view these last week's in that way. I'm lost. I'm plunged in and I'm not yet finding my footing. None of this is a complaint, it is a report. The pandemic is a societal coma, or global coma, and my nervous system is trying to come to grips with it. I am not certain that I'm using my time in the way I can to best serve. But it is the best I know and I am trying to claw forward. Spending many many hours a day trying to digest the unfolding Horrors in the world in the hopes that I can begin to find a way forward.

Yesterday I remembered from many weeks past that my mission had been and probably should continue forward, pioneering joy in material hell, for future survivors. I will not be amazed if that is the tow rope that helps me pull out of this quicksand to a place of helpfulness.

My response throughout my adulthood to seeing new catastrophe is to attempt to figure out how to be a catalyst for solution. That reflex has taken charge of my life in the midst of the covid-19 virus and the much more deadly virus that it makes increasingly clear, human selfishness raised to Supreme religion as evidenced in those on the right in this country and the world. And I do not personally regret the pain and difficulty for me in these recent weeks, where I have felt so lost, but I think that I am realizing that I have been lost in the notion that things can be saved which I had several years ago I thought put behind me, facing that they are not going to be saved. And they are not going to be saved.

But I guess I needed this recent weeks of immersion to see that. Again.

And not just the immersion in the horror, many hours every day, and the lockdown, removing me from all physical activism that was my life. But major limbo for my partner, this wonderful vehicle. Weeks and weeks of trying to design a final major upgrade to remove the drivetrain from the tremendous danger zone within which it has existed, bearing twice or more of the weight that it should bear. And the world experts in Vancouver have been slowed to a glacial Pace by the virus. But last night I received this photograph of the almost completed components which may be shipped on Friday arriving first half of next week.

If that transpires and the installation goes successfully then my general sense is that within a month and possibly sooner the Voyage to complete the 48 states will resume.



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