I don't exaggerate. It is quite excruciating, a level of attack by my fleshly spirit I don't recall the like of in 8-10 years.
The addict, me, raging affloholic, that has been 'clean' for a decade, strongly of my Heart, the Loving Spirit, and all of a sudden under massive temptation to relapse? Uh, that would be me right now.
Does the addict relapse? I won't.
Does the addict WANT to relapse? Probably not! Not the "REAL" person within the avatar gone wild. I DON'T! But the Fleshly Spirit? Well, the story goes that it gave Jesus one Hell of a run for his money at one point! Sure is doing the same with me right now.
My 'world,' my 'battlefield' of 10 years now is pretty well ripped away - not the need, not the impending Ecocide... and the other issues I've been dying to resolve, but the battlefield. This is a Good thing, but my Strategic View of the world, well founded, long and arduously built, has been a Pillar of my Spiritual Life, and it is ripped away, largely, by Pr. Obama and Organizing for Action emerging as a better way to Fight.
This umpteenth Hunger Strike in an older, much more tired than ever body. And particularly exhausted as it struggles now to metabolize calories.
The Cancer - 6 months of debilitating Chemo, to Start. In a DC homeless shelter, where I need to be, with the concerns of security, theft, disease, lack of privacy.... The solitude.
All aspects of treatment, currently unknown - will those who were going to treat me, will they take up the task, again? What will be the regimen?
Days now off the street, cared for by a friend(s), in an opulent, warm, comfortable, convenient... oh so seductive environment, facing imminent departure from all that....
Hopeful and fearful of our chances of Averting Ecocide now. The prospects of an Organizing for Action Army alongside Pr. Obama is Hopeful, but Institutionalizing of anything is deeply worrysome. At the least, it is a worrisome unknown for me, throwing me off balance, throwing me, uncharacteristically into a bystander role in recent days - by-standing, waiting, watching... death for me, for anyone. But I will regain my balance, and return to devoting each breath to what I can do; leaving to others, what they can do; and in returning to a full, hour by hour focus on what I can do, I'll regain my source of Life, my Daily Bread, my Daily Ration of Helping Creation.
So, in recent hours my avatar, my Fleshly Spirit has pretty successfully hijacked me, sidelining my Heart, my Loving Spirit that has been firmly in charge, to my infinite Joy and Peace of Heart, for so many years now. Oh, there have been smaller struggles for control within me throughout this last decade. But I don't recall anything of this scale. It is The Matrix, the seductions of Empire, Satan, Evil, Death, Suffocating Selfishness, Sin - that which is attachment to anything but Creation, the Creator. I was raised to this Living-death, more than most. Thank God I know it now, and can see Pleasure Island for what it is Living-death; what Jesus died to Save us, Redeem us, Ransom us from.
I expect my Heart to be fully back in charge, within hours, or a few days. And writing of it here, is part of the Healing process. But wow, is this painful, and alarming.
Thank God I learned to meditate when I was college age; but wow, do I need to re-establish those long unused skills to break the strangle-hold this Fleshly Spirit has on me these last several days! Just so I can meaningfully Pray again!
I expect to return full-time to DC on Monday to resume the fight there - 22/7 in front of the Canadian Embassy until the chemo begins some weeks hence; and then in front of the Embassy during the day, when chemo and my body permit, fighting online, and with cell phone as Organizing for Action begins to provide ways for us to fight for our kids future.