This headline may be a bit dramatic but I'm not sure that it is. It may come down to this, out of responsibility I perceive that I cannot defer my decisions to anyone else. Nor can I afford to not seek out and listen to the best input I can receive. And that's been my process throughout adulthood. Sadly I've found throughout my adulthood that there are not one in a million whose input is thoughtful and deep enough to be of much use but there is that and I work hard to tap it.
But whereas responsibility, joyful responsibility, prevents me from deferring my decisions to anyone else, it does not defer me from deferring it to me. A part of me. A place in my imagination that has unfolded in the last couple of days. Now for the last 20 years there's been some level of deferral to my soul.
BBut what's happening these recent days, just glimmers of it so far, is a deferral to a character Within Me, a function of my imagination, a loving adoring creator of us all that can be amused, delighted, filled with joy, delighted at our pitiful attempts to do good in the world. Again, just glimpses, but I feel I can look to that individual, I can look to their reaction, I can inquire though no words come back and nor do I expect they ever will.
AA very loose reference, I think of Clarence in, it's a wonderful life, and how he would turn to his guardian angel in conversation.
TThere are not the slightest psychotic features to this, so far anyway, and I don't think there will be. It is clearly a way of using my imagination but it's greatly clarifying, greatly enjoyable, and freeing because it frees me up from crippling Earthly concerns of being right, being effective, though I care about that. It frees me up to be a fool, floundering in impossible situations trying to figure out how to do good in the world when so few people are trying or have ever tried to do so, so almost no examples to follow. A whole lot of pioneering. And if there are not a ton of failures along the way, not trying hard or fast enough.
II hope this mode for me increases, intensifies, get stronger and more useful. It might evaporate quickly. But it's too interesting not to share.
OOver the last 22 years I certainly had devices similar to this where in my imagination I would look to a small panel of people including the likes of jesus, gandhi, confucius.. and that was very useful, maybe a stepping stone to where I am now. But there was not the freeing from crippling heaviness that I'm finding with this bemused loving creator that can be delighted with my ridiculous attempts. And more than any device I've found so far I think it is and can be freeing of me from what residual of needing to meet the expectations of others, and there are so few able others, that's a crippling that we can't afford of me.
And this is really helping me do something that is very deep in me but very hard to do with flesh and blood individuals, to seek to Delight. For one brief juncture I was able to lead a large organization of very sophisticated software developers and Consultants towards a single goal of the delighting clients. It was enormously unleashing of potential and energy in me and most or all associates. But that's very hard to do in the real world. And with what I've described above I'm seeing glimmers of having a partner that I can look to Delight though not in the way I did in that earlier organization, the nature of the delight here is just a joyful but somehow encouraging and affirming laughter at my ridiculous attempts, but that's very useful as a North star. So far anyway.
AAnd if I look over and Creator isn't lovingly laughing at me, I'm doing it wrong, I'm not trying hard enough, I'm being too conservative, I'm being too careful to do it right, too slow in this world full of emergency. It's really helpful.