What I am concluding, this conscious competence is only coming within the last day or so, is that I don't want my life. What... a pitiful little thing. And now I am carefully catching myself when I experience it as my life. Because it is bad? Because it feels inferior
to the Joy ofbeing lived by the needs of others, and in that essential way it is their life not mine. I really really really find empty and distasteful those moments that I forget and find myself feeling it is my life. That has been my way for all of my adulthood but the conscious competence expressed here can help me sharpen it to avoid wasting time on Pleasure when I prefer Joy. LSGIA Being for the joy of it, by whatever acronym, or none.
The notion that my life is mine for the pleasure of it is absolutely Insidious. I don't think that's our human nature, but it is a human possibility and our culture is 99.999999 percent optimized for it. It is insidious. But now I have an even better chance of weeding those moments out of my life, for the joy of it.
It could seem I'm preaching at you but you seem to know that's not the case. It is so funny. I've been living what I wrote to you above but it was only within the last day or so that it hit me with Clarity. James, you dislike the feeling when you experience it as your life. Stop doing that. The fish are the last ones to discover water.
In fact, were Jesus, Buddha, Confucius, Hillel... to read this post this morning with you they'd be saying, ho Lee fuk, that's what it was we were living and trying to help others toward!
I've only been joyful, when I knew what my life was needed for; It has driven me insane when I didn't know. But this conscious clarity is a really really really important refinement for me I think.
If what we're saying here is correct fuking Heaven is within everyone's control although it may look like and lead to a final material hell. But once the lights are out, who the f*** knows?