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JAMES' PERSONAL WRITINGS: SLOVING
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Showing posts with label Loving's Cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loving's Cancer. Show all posts

1.31.2014

Cancer Update, etc.

[Reply to a note from a dear friend, an elementary school teacher.]

Hi! What a nice note. It is always a ray of sunshine when I hear
from you.

Oh, how I adored sledding as a kid. Did u? One of the many times I'm sure
my folks hoped I'd kill myself, I should have, the insane mtns I went down.
I'm sure your kids will enjoy it mightily.

There is a chance Pr. O is just a corporate shill from the git go.  I may
never know. My guess is we couldn't have a greater ally, cept oursevles,
and that's out of the question. I think he is calculating everything he does
to win the house and keep the senate in 2014.  Without that there are
no bold strokes he can take, and only bold strokes will save earth and
democracy now. But it still comes back to the people, even then he'd need
us unviolently risking life and limb, and we've all got our infinite excuses.
So, I'll probably never know about him. 

My depression is extremely light, recently; amazing, given my view
of the impending, virtually certain Cataclysms - Ecocide, Fascism.  There
are fleeting moments when it almost feels like a relief to be free of the
desperate fight to avert them; but mostly the gloom, the other horror
lingers.  And Life is fighting for all you are worth for the least of these,
and it is more difficult for me to see how to do that, but I'm making progress -
I'll encourage those with the inkling, to avoid the cruelty of bringing
babies onto a sinking Titanic, and I'll do what I can to learn of, and shepherd
the young, well, anyone, toward off-Empire living - there are pioneers
of this, I'll learn of them, their ways, their whereabouts... and try and
help others in that direction.

My study of the mainstream scholarship is that this is near exactly where
the man Jesus found himself, odd, but True.  So, I'm slogging through some
immensely scholarly works on the Historical Jesus by Dominic Crossan -
really arduous, but oddly, in the midst of all my crisis, I think a deep understanding
of the small sliver of History we have on him will be useful to me before
I move on per the above.

The last chemo was Monday.  I've slept as much as 21 hours per day,
tapering down to 14 hpd today.  The next 4 or 5 day will be tough as I
struggle to find where my new sleep patterns are - rest is the most important
thing to my work - and for months now, my body seems to refuse to
stay in deep sleep for more than moments.  I may accept a sleep study
at Georgetown, that has been offered, if once I feel clear of chemo effects,
I still can't stabilize things.

The symptoms that had me worried about parkinson's disease have
lessened with the vita B12 shots I've been getting, but they still  remain.

Started several months of major dental work, a decade overdue,
last week.

At some point they'll need to put me under, I believe, to remove my
port - so it ain't over till it's over.

In this huge building that has been my home these last 6 months or so
is an area called 1 south - 150 or so near all african american men over
50, and I'd be eligible to go there - no fee, one meal per day, fairly unrestricted
access tho there is a 2am be in by, and few days away if any without losing
your bed.  In this huge area are mostly bunk beds in sections, some with
more bed bugs than others, and then an area for the 'needier' that is
single beds, hospital beds I think, cleaner, quieter.  A 'friend,' fellow my
age, lives there, the ADA section, he is no needier physically than I, so there
is some leeway.  I think it is ADA for me, or back on the streets 7/24. I'm
ok with either, but I'll give 1 South, however it is offered to me, a try, I expect.
I'll try my best to angle for the ADA section, but I don't hold out much hope.

I suspect I'll access Soc Sec in the next month or so and, if I do, start
banking all but coffee money (2-3 times a week to 'thank' this awesome
FH Bakery folks that are such a Godsend to me) and that Wifi- no sense
you picking that up if I'm getting SS.  I'll let you know.

Well, that's all for now.

*>:D< big hug

1.15.2014

1.13.2014

nd. Cancer Update: This is NOT my last chemo; 1 more in 2 weeks. My doc says I'm tolerating the poison well enough that she wants to do one more. Ugh.

nd. Cancer Update:  This is NOT my last chemo; 1 more in 2 weeks. My doc says I'm tolerating the poison well enough that she wants to do one more.  Ugh.

***** Dialog with PC via Email this moring. detail...

L: ***** A FB dialog with a Friend tonight - detail...  <<< be sure you have read this before proceeding

PC:  

so many thoughts here...yes, no more babies is one way to look at it but I think Life Has to play out...eons of time ...I HOPE it is headed , evolving,  to healing itself..but so far in the future and only after so much devastation...I think we are still in the downward spiral before the upward spiral times if ever there will be that uplifted time....prayers and hopes and dreams.....
What is happening to you lately? Chemo? How long in the infirmary do you think? Are you ok?  xxo

L:
Hey dear.  There will be survivors for hundreds of years.  They will be the unlucky ones.
So cruel.  Maybe 1/4 of the species will be left by that point, rapidly dying. 

My bio-sons disowned me 15 years ago or so.  That's fine.  But with all this hitting me,
including how desperately hard it is to survive in this 2014 economy and beyond, infinitely
harder than it was for us; my thoughts and priorities turn to trying to help them financially,
in the future.  Need to figure out the best time to activate social security, live on the streets,
save that, for them.  Nothing left for me, but maybe enough to be a tiny, miniscule help
to a few other struggling friends.

Last chemo treatment is this afternoon.  I'll be sick for the next week, then another 2 weeks
recovering, then back on the street.

For my remaining years, what is left is to be as much a source of Kindness and Goodness as
I can be.  Because of what we've let the uber-rich, uber-smart to do to decimate jobs - we have
too many people, including me.  But maybe there are some volunteer positions teaching kids,
reading to them.  Helping others.  I'm not optimistic.  We have way too many people, and
way too little funds.  I'm completely open to having the tattoos removed because that would
be a massive obstacle.  Don't know if that can be done, from the face, what it would cost.

I'll probably never count Pr. Obama out completely. (I have zero hope that Hillary will be able
to do anything sufficient - she totally lacks vision, and leadership -
a bureaucrat).   I know he and Kerry are working on the
most aggressive plans they can conjure, politically, to reduce ecocide.  But, they are choosing
the best possible 'political' route, and by definition, I'm virtually certain it will be too little,
too late.  Methane hydrates are not political.  Mother nature is not political.  Melting ice caps
are not political.

I think of you too, often.

I wish the few of us that seem of like mind and spirit lived in a modest community.  Too much
loneliness. Too much struggle.  I don't see how it can happen.

(((HUGS)))

1.06.2014

Cancer Update: Spirit Stable, Body coming back from 4 day coma? Chemo attacks the immune system. I have a vicious alergy going on drowning me in mucus. Together they've totally flattened me 4 days now. Maybe signs of life this morning.

Cancer Update:  Spirit Stable, Body coming back from 4 day coma?  Chemo attacks the immune system.  I have a vicious allergy going on drowning me in mucus.  Together they've totally flattened me 4 days now.  Maybe signs of life this morning.

12.31.2013

nd. Cancer Update: Knocked out, knocked off-line (mostly) for the next 4 days by Chemo. I'm wearing the poison pump till late Wednesday. Will be mostly resting until Friday, I expect.

nd. Cancer Update: Knocked out, knocked off-line (mostly) for the next 4 days by Chemo.  I'm wearing the poison pump till late Wednesday.  Will be mostly sick and resting until Friday, I expect.

12.17.2013

detail. Cancer Update: Cancer Blood Marker Clear for Cancer post Liver Section. (detail...)

Email to the Georgetown Hosp Team, and Unity, this morning -

NOTE:  Please fwd to 1. Doc F and 2. Doc Hwang, AND the staff on my 3. Expert Recover Floor
            7 Bles; AND 4.  Staffs as appropriate. Thank you.  (No, it is not that I am important.
            What is important is what you all have done.)

Re:  James McGinley. Cancer Blood Marker Clear for Cancer post Liver Section.  (detail...) 
Yesterday my oncologist Doc He showed me that my blood marker for cancer (who knew?) has been 'no cancer indicated' since Doc Fishbein's section of my Liver October 18 (quite a Birthday present).

Thanks to the Godsend of my Guardian Angel Doc Cardile at Unity, and much luck. I was connected to the world-class team at Georgetown (GUH) after a grim chemo treatment prognosis was given to me at Howard (HUH) that just didn't make sense given what I was seeing at major   sites online that prominently spoke of liver section (section removal) for my condition. If there it is one Miracle in DC it is Doc Cardile and her team at the Unity Clinic here at the grim, grim, grim... CCNV Homeless Shelter / Infirmary - a Godsend for we destitute.  Loving.  Godly. Even this grim Infirmary, and understandably dour staff, has been a Godsend for me - leaving me the ability to at least work on my computer - I'd never, never, never... have made it, or completed the treatment plan, without it.  To be needlessly without my work for 8 months?  Could you do that? Me neither.

Oncologist Doc Hwang at GUH was exactly who I needed to have talk me through the process and prospects. Without him, I just don't think all this this success would have happened. He just laid it all out to me, so I could make an informed decision, before I even asked anything. Subsequently, all my Docs at GUH have done the same.  Godsend.

Doc Hwang was doubtful that the botched plannning and subsequent many month's delay at HUH hadn't cost me my life - cancer in the liver grows fast - but, another Miracle, it was still operable, it seemed, according to new scans.

Scans, and a post section liver biopsy showed that the 6 chemo treatments by my Revered Doc He shrunk the tumors, well, killed the outer portions.

Scans and biop showed that the liver embolism inserted by Doc Banovac and team over a 3 hour procedure, weeks pre-op, shrunk the cancerous half of my liver and expanded the healthy half by the time of operation, reducing any likelihood of organ failure.

Doc Fishbein, a world master at liver section, completed, and his team, in 5 hours what I presume others would have needed two or three times as long to complete, with much higher prospects of freedom from complications - and there have been none it seems.  100% success based on the biopsy - clear margins around the tumors removed.  Miracle.

8 days in recovery, half of what other facilities may have been able to achieve, thanks in part to the tireless, kind, hugely expert, dedicated nursing staff on my recovery floor (I had the corner suite???) 7 Bles at GUH.

Doc He is having me conclude the process with 4 chemo treatments to gun for any outlier cancer cells that may have escaped.  A minimal set of rounds, at my request, but we think it may suffice.  I'm on treatment #2 as we speak.  CT Scans will take place 4 per year dropping to 2 per year when deemed safe.

Post op, physically and mentally now I'm back to 95% of pre-op strength.  Odd physically, it was not a linear healing - one week I felt like an infirm 95 year old, and the next week, around week 7, I was back in my 60's.

I have two symptoms that disturb me quite a bit - involuntary muscle contractions in my right fore-arm, especially when I'm trying to sleep, and a totally nuked sleep pattern - I don't get a night's sleep, I get 4-15 naps.  I can't seem to stay in deep sleep.  For several years I've  needed massive sleep at night and naps - maybe 14 hours per day.  The cancer? Maybe I now only need a more normal 8 hours, or less.  I'm working to figure it out and Doc He has referred me to the GUH sleep experts as a next step, if needed.

And all this treatment given to a homeless bum.  No one could have received better treatment, anywhere, any time - world-class, expert, kind, respectful....  A true Miracle in this Godless, Loveless, country and world.

Had I not been in DC, had Doc Cardile not set me up with DC Medicaid, had she not gotten me to Doc Hwang, had Doc Fishbein not been at GUH....

I pray I will be in a position to live out my life in a way that makes all this care and expense worth it to present and future generations.  I am 100% determined to do so, with every breath.  Personally, I really detest this Godless, Loveless world, and would been happier to have not survived the operation. I'm tired.But I did, Creator's Will, so, I'll have my 2nd choice, the Joy of trying to do what I can to Help,to be a Loving force, for Creation, especially our Global Neediest.  My goal, to be Christlike, Loving,Godly, with every breath.  None of us can do more than that, the rest being up to the Creator.  Anything else we do, is less, and deadly.

Your Grateful, Admiring brother forever,

James Loving McGinley

12.15.2013

nd. Loving, here - I'm working on a book of my writings of these last 5 years or so - the 'Sayings' that have come to me as the rungs of the ladder that have led me to my Heart, Joy, Peace of Heart, Sanity, Humanity.... If chemo-brain returns (a real thing) it will slow me down a lot.

nd. Loving, here - I'm working on a book of my writings of these last 5 years or so - the 'Sayings' that have come to me as the rungs of the ladder that have led me to my Heart, Joy, Peace of Heart, Sanity, Humanity....  If chemo-brain returns (a real thing) it will slow me down a lot.

12.03.2013

Cancer, Depression Update. Detail...

'Me,' 'My Family,' ... are Doom now.Chemo started at 9pm last night. Odd. Usually I can't sleep first night - the steroids they admin usually have me flying for 12 hrs or so. Slept sound last night and am feeling what always follows in prior treatments - 2-4 days of non-stop sleep. 

Psychologically I'm 85% back to Joy, to Living, and maybe I've learned enough in recent weeks that this new onslaught of chemo might not knock me back. The pic, left, is part of my psychological relief - clarity on where Hope lies, no matter how remote - it is clarity for me as to how I must strive now - old direction for me, but renewed and sharpened clarity.

12.02.2013

nd. Cancer Update: Chemo just restarted moments ago - wearing poison pump for next 2 days. I should feel fine till mid, late day tomorrow, then be knocked out for 3 or 4 days. 1st of 4 more treatments, every 2 weeks, to try to make sure that any cancer cells that may have escaped, don't escape.

Chemo just restarted moments ago - wearing poison pump for next 2 days. I should feel fine till mid, late day tomorrow, then be knocked out for 3 or 4 days.  1st of 4 more treatments, every 2 weeks, to try to make sure that any cancer cells that may have escaped, don't escape.

12.01.2013

Cancer Update: Chemo restarts tomorrow for 3 months. It may take me another 3 months to rebuild my Spirit, my Soul... back to even the weak versions I have today. :-(

Cancer Update:  Chemo restarts tomorrow for 3 months.  It may take me another 3 months to rebuild my Spirit, my Soul... back to even the weak versions I have today.  :-(

11.25.2013

Cancer Update: Met with Oncologist today. 3 more months of treatment.

Readout note to my Oncologist and the team:

"Doc H(2), what a wonderful meeting. Thank you. My understandings -

Doc H(2), thank you for such a kind, patient, thorough, respectful, knowledgeable meeting today.
I am extremely fortunate that you are my oncologist.  Doc H(1) was right about you, I see.

These are my central understandings:

*.  It continues to seem that we are on track, probably, for a full 'cure' of my cancer - normal
lifespan NOT shortened by the cancer.  There are NO certainties, of course, but the operation
looked to be 100% successful, and with the regimen below, we hope to get whatever
cells may have escaped, for life!  THANK YOU ALL.

1.  We need to do at least, and hopefully, just 4 more chemo treatments, because
cancer cells do not all present at the same time, so we need at least 4 attempts to
get them all.

2.  We will start not today, but next week, Monday, 12/2, 1:30pm, so that I have a 2nd week of feeling healthy under my
belt before we start this taxing chemo regimen. 

3.  I've asked Nurse J to schedule the CT scan for me the week of 12/9, in the early
afternoon.

4.  I've asked Nurse J to schedule my 2nd chemo for the afternoon of 12/16,
and a meeting with you just prior, again, early afternoon.

5.  Infirmary: We expect and hope that the Infirmary will continue to take me for the
next 2 months of chemo AND for the following month as I heal from the chemo treatments!!!

6.  The expectation for CT scans is roughly every 3 months, for the first year at least,
and then maybe going down to just 2 per year.

###7. Please have your INSURANCE EXPERT CONTACT ME VIA EMAIL:
POSSIBLE SWITCH TO MEDSTAR MEDICAID.   I'll email Nurse J about something I overlooked.
You indicated there is a gentlemen, Henry(?), who is an expert in the medical plans.  Issue
being I am just 62 and want to activate my Social Security Retirement so I can donate it to
friends in need, and various causes, but this income will kick me off of DC Medicaid that
I am currently on, AND I WILL NOT CHANGE INSURANCE, unless and until I know that:

A.  Medstar Medicaid would cover all my treatments, drugs, etc (as I've been preliminarily
told it would); and

B.  THAT I GET CONFIRMATION THAT YES, INDEED, MY SOC SEC INCOME LEVEL WOULD
QUALIFY ME FOR MEDSTAR MEDICAID.  (I'm NOT guessing your expert can help me
with this part, tho it would be great if he can.)  I'm working with others on this, too.

NOTE: I will NOT make any switch of insurance until it is CERTAIN that it will NOT in any
way interfere with my ongoing treatment.

Thank you again for a deeply helpful meeting.

James M."

11.23.2013

***** nd. Cancer Update: "During the time of my depression, I had forgotten what extreme pain is everpresent in Loving in this world. I was in the alternate fantasy world of overprivileged separation, self-centeredness. Then the pain of meaninglessness, solitude, un-loving... smothered me. And now I seem to have dug my way back to Humanity, Creation... Sanity, extreme pain for Creation, and all - Peace of Heart, Sanity, Meaning, Life, Joy." Loving

***** nd.  "During the time of my depression, I had forgotten what extreme pain is everpresent in Loving in this world.  I was in the alternate fantasy world of overprivileged separation, self-centeredness.  Then the pain of meaninglessness, solitude, un-loving... smothered me.  And now I seem to have dug my way back to Humanity, Creation... Sanity, extreme pain for Creation, and all - Peace of Heart, Sanity, Meaning, Life, Joy." Loving