1) Becoming Loving, again: Where did Loving come from, and how did Loving get here (at least, in this instance)? [pre-pre-pre-pre… draft .00001B. Got it?]
The outlined below was
hand typed. The more detailed
text was live dictated into the computer for reasons of speed of entry,
laziness, and fatigue do to a number of factors, having to do with the cancer,
and having to do with the fact that it's been 24 hours since I've had any food,
per instructions from the surgeon who will be carving me up starting in just
over 11 hours now.
So, the following, may well be riddled with dyslexias,
typos, errors... that confound you
mightily, some of my own doing, and some that doing of the text to speech
software that I am using.
And it appears likely, inasmuch as I need to catch the
cross-town bus in under 8 hours from now, that I will have little or no time to
proofread.
If one wishes to understand how I became Loving, too much
time cannot be spent at http://jesusgodgoodetcnjay.blogspot.com/
a) Note: If, as is highly likely, I survive tomorrow’s (10.17.13) major surgery, I may, over time, work on improving, and fleshing out this bare shell of an outline.
b) Note: If through a lifetime of pay-any-price, try-above-all-else, zero credit to me, I am not A. an extraordinarily credible and accurate Truth Seer, and Teller, then, B. I am and have been, a total waste of breath. If A, as I conclude, no, that does not make any or all of the following Perfectly true, but pretty close thereto, I recon.
c) This writing today was sparked by my friend KK with this, this morning:
She wrote this morning:
SL [ARGH - 'LOVING' IS MY NAME], not to get maudlin here,
but I have to ask- did you keep diaries/ letters/ journals throughout your
life? Did you "document" the growth and changes in your viewpoint,
your faith, your relationships/marriage, the challenges that have led you to
where you are now?
Of course, I have watched all of the videos on your site and I have an understanding of what you see (or want to forget) as you look back, NOW. But I was looking today at the photo that L. F. posted some time ago of the MHS A Cappella Choir and I am fascinated by the visage of your young self and how you got from there to here, especially as you slogged through it.
If I don't get the chance to come to DC and talk with you at length, which it has been and IS MY HOPE TO DO, I would like to at least be able to read about your life, if such materials exist in some form.
xo,xo,xo"
Of course, I have watched all of the videos on your site and I have an understanding of what you see (or want to forget) as you look back, NOW. But I was looking today at the photo that L. F. posted some time ago of the MHS A Cappella Choir and I am fascinated by the visage of your young self and how you got from there to here, especially as you slogged through it.
If I don't get the chance to come to DC and talk with you at length, which it has been and IS MY HOPE TO DO, I would like to at least be able to read about your life, if such materials exist in some form.
xo,xo,xo"
d) The first 10 answers to this question: My dad
If I had had a different dad, nothing that I value in myself
today would be true, would exist. He
simply infected me with his unconditional love, his devotion to the truth, his
view that we are all equal because we are all of divine worth, his infinite
focus, his complete control of his own focus, his 100% devotion to the well
being of others. I could go on, and on,
and on.
The great tree, in the fertile environment, is not the
excellent fruit. But it is the
necessary, and sometimes sufficient, precondition thereof. And so it has been for any and all good fruit
that is me. My dad is the source. Or rather, my dad was the impenatrible
fortress around me that kept the world’s toxins from too far damaging the
Loving nature that is the born Soul of us all.
My dad, somehow, but really, was 80% of my environment, the
first 6 to 8 years of my life. This
means that my world was the life of an imperfect, but the most saintly, person,
I've ever encountered; and that this thereby displaced the otherwise massively
toxic world, for me, that I otherwise would have grown up in and been crippled
by. Whether this was by his design, or
by happenstance, I will never know.
But he was Einstein-level brilliant, objectively, in the
realm of teaching.
This point following is of inexpressible importance: I
experienced that my dad's life was near totally and profoundly joyful, and
profoundly agonized, simultaneously, because the needless imperfections in
himself and in the world, that caused so much needless suffering, were a near
unbearable agony to him. But my judgment
was, 100% correct, that his quality of life was higher than all but one in a
million – as it was for Jesus, Gandhi, MLK Jr... not for any fame, not for any acclaim, but
the infinite, divine, joy, of such a limitless, unconditional, loving. And I mean the following with complete
respect -anyone that has read this far and cannot appreciate at some deep level that the most gratified, and
therefore enviable, people that have ever existed include the likes of Jesus, King,
Gandhi…. then there is nothing that that person can understand of anything that
I'm saying. It, my life, all these
words, are completely about an awareness of such perfect joy from my very earliest moments, and the
unceasing quest to make it the stuff of my life, which for every breath of the
last 14 years it has been the stuff.
e) Answer #11 – Jesus despite, because of, the Catholic cHURCH; and because of my dad.
Zero credit to me, all credit to my dad, because I knew my
dad, I knew unconditional love, Agape, and because I knew unconditional love,
universal family, and not one me in 100,000 of us know these things, because I knew them, I could
know Jesus. And I did, and I do from my
earliest encounters with him in the twisted, hypocritical, anti-Christlike
cHURCH.
f) Answer #12 – My isolated, Idyllic surroundings.
Though our house was
in a criminally wealthy suburb, it was physically located exactly on the edge
of a multi 1000 acre nature preserve.
I'll never know if it was by design, neglect, or hope that I would die
(I was such a totally under-achieved, zero, of a child), with zero supervision
I was trusted to spend massive amounts of my youth out in that preserve. Some of the time was playing with older
neighborhood kids, and massive amounts of the time was spent by myself
enraptured. Nature was, and is, is my
home. [What I nice conversation I had
with a deer in a field this morning. Working on edits here, 4:30am, on the bus,
I missed my stop by 1.5 miles. Walking
back, there was the deer – what a joy to exchange stares, and to chat. Family.
My Family. 10.17.13.
g) Answer #13 – My overwhelmingly, world-class sick, insane, Satanic surroundings – US, uber-wealthy suburbs.
The house I grew up in would sell today for between one and
two million dollars. My dad, whose music
studio attached to our house, in which he taught ultra rich folks and their
kids piano, worked literally seven days a week, for the sole purpose of
providing the best life he knew to provide for his dependents.
One of my advanced degrees is in psychology, and I've made a
lifelong study of psychology. So I
consider the following observation clinically based. To have the kind of wealth we had, and more
so, to have the kind of wealth that our community had, is clinically, ragingly,
religiously sociopathic.
This was the other part of my environment, as totally
opposite the environment I described above as is actually possible in the
universe. My world consisted of total
health (Universal Family), and total pathology (Stuff, Self, Subordinating
others).
This extreme duality began its war within me certainly by my
early teens, acutely, extremely, excruciatingly, confusingly... Presenting itself as an unexplained riddle to
me, which I've spent much of my life attempting to unravel, succeeded in doing
so by about 14 years ago, and have advanced my mastery of understanding every
day since. http://jesusgodgoodetcnjay.blogspot.com/
By my mid teens I was learning, gaining the deep addictions,
of the pleasures of wealth, with the best of them. But the soul that came from my DNA, protected
by my father, was in constant horror and revulsion at this
growing addiction to pleasure (which was taught me as a virtue, as the goal of
life). But but this revulsion was unable
to explain itself to me. And in the face
of the voluminous articulated justification of criminal wealth, its voice could
not come to dominate my life until my mid forties. I'd give anything to have all that time back. I give my life to save others the Hellish
detour. http://jesusgodgoodetcnjay.blogspot.com/
If there is anything under reported, by many orders of
magnitude, in this crude outline, it is that on the one hand I have felt
profound and total community with the one in a million great souls in history
that we all hear of, examples of which I've mentioned in this outline. And that at least as profound, I can’t recall
a day in my life that I felt other than like a fish on dry land, gasping for
its life for breath, in virtually every aspect of society I encountered. This is no discredit to anyone, and it is no
credit to anyone. There are one in a
million, or one in 100,000 people on earth that I reflexively experienced as
kin, and with the rest, I experienced myself as a complete and total alien –
different species entirely. The solitude
has many times near killed me.
h) Answer #14 – Huge, Tall Shoulders I could see, thanks to my dad
In the same way I'd tried to explain to you why I could know
Jesus, see Jesus, as not one in a
million can, due to the visual lenses that came from my father, a similar
clarity of view, and consequent desperately deep impact, came to me, and comes
to me, when I experienced the world's great souls -Gandhi, Martin Luther king,
Nelson Mandela, Albert Schweitzer, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Alfred Adler, Abraham
Maslow, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, Lincoln, and on and on and on and on. J I don’t know them because I’ve read books
about them. I know them because I’ve read, and re-read, and re-read… near
everything they’ve written. http://jesusgodgoodetcnjay.blogspot.com/p/library.html
i) Answer #15 - My Ultimate Nightmare come true – 27 years (?) married to one who didn’t Love me (who’s grown into the best friend I’ve had these last 2 years.)
Are we not taught, in this sickest of all societies, that the
beginning and ending of the gratifying life is being married to someone that
adores you?
Well this is absolutely the lesson that I learned, and what
I yearned for, from just about as early as I can remember, with all of my
deluded being.
If there is a second monumentally under reported element in
this outline, it is my raging sexoholism, which I recognized not as that, but as
a societal virtue, oh my God. Nothing
was more dominant in my life from 4th grade through age 43 or so,
that I can recall, then my obsession with, excitement at, female
sexuality. There is no moralizing in my
life, and not in this part of the discussion here. I don't have to moralize about alcoholism to recognize
it as a condition that robs one of a more gratifying life. My sexoholism robbed me of decades of my
life, as it is in the final stages of terminally robbing the soul of America.
I have never met a more beguiling, enchanting, exciting, off
the charts brilliant in social skills (Einstein level) person than the woman I
married. The exact opposite of me. At some level I knew she didn't love me, from
day 1, but not at a level I had the courage to recognize, not for a good 20
years. But this impossibly intoxicating
creature clearly wanted me as her husband, so she had to love me, right? Or at least, she had to be inclined to
learning to love me, right? Well, no
credit or discredit to her, no credit or discredit to me, within the last 2 months
the riddle finely solved for me. A
survivor of a biological family that was so toxic that two of her siblings killed themselves, as often happens,
she organically learned to survive and flourish, of a sort, through unspeakably
brilliant social skills, those same skills that were so excruciatingly
intoxicating for me.
She bore me no malice, though literally on the altar, she
realized that she found me profoundly unappealing in virtually every regard,
except for why she married me - access to the life of stability, and
significant privilege, and good to excellent parenting that she knew I would
provide to the offspring that she wanted.
i) My Introduction to Unconditionally Loving by year 17 or so
All of this was simply incomprehensible to me. I'm not saying I understood it and rejected
it. I'm saying I profoundly could make
no sense of it. How could she marry me,
and not love me? She must love me. No. It
was never about me. It was never about
marrying me, though she may have thought it was, and may still think it
was. No, it was about marrying the way
of life that she knew I would provide - she calls it survival.
NOTE: Like so much of this outline, I can't put the
following in a helpful context for you.
But let me eliminate any question you might have in your mind. This poor creature, this poor, wonderful
woman, victim of an unspeakably horrible childhood, had she not chosen me, and
married me, I suspect no one else would have.
Ever. I had the vaguest
inclination to that at the time though it was never a factor in any of my
decisions. Try to remember earlier, how
I spoke of the profound and total alienation I felt with virtually everyone
around me, and still do. Of course, that
is felt reciprocally by those around me.
Who would want to marry such an odd alien? No one.
Another profoundly under-discussed point here – 17 years
into my marriage to her – I found the courage to face that she never had, and
never would Love me. What to do. Two early teen offspring…. The answer came to me instantly – Love her. And I did, in every way, with every service,
with every breath, for another 10 years – doing both our roles. No, after that time, my Loving never stopped, but my physical presence
in this totally dead relationship, did.
j) Answer #15 – My Muse – The woman I married.
This wonderful, impossibly intoxicating woman, that I
married was my muse for the next 17 years or so, and maybe for the next 27
years. It was my desire, it was my duty
to her, to awaken within her the only infinite joy, that of loving. I would, and did, pay any personal price I
could see to pay to become the key to unlock joy in what I perceived as her
immensely pleasurable, profoundly joyless, lovingless, life. My failure, attempt, after attempt, year
after year, decade after decade, nearly killed me. Often drove me to the edge of suicide. But more importantly it drove me to try and
learn, and learn, and learn again. And I
did, tho never enough.
I said earlier that were it not for my dad that nothing I value in myself would exist. I suspect it's also true that the little that
I value in myself that has grown to be of potential help to the world, would
have grown to be that, had I not married this exact woman. I owe everything to that.
[[[ argh – end of revisions, so far. Sorry. 6AM. THE NURSE IS CALLING ME TO SURGERY. BYE.]]]]
k) Answer #16 - The spark of my full rebirth of Loving – 2 male offspring (the child IS parent to the man)
Despite all these superlatives above, with the birth of my
two offspring, the sense that my abilities or failings in leading one to a
joyful life would largely determine the lives of these two children, increased
my determination to learn, to be their path to a joyful life, in a joyless
world. I have no words to express how
profoundly central their joy, or potential lack thereof, became in every aspect
of my being. It was total.
There was never, with the moment of their birth, not for any
second, anything in my life that took priority over any attempt I could make to
help them toward lives of joy.
l) Answer #17 – The 1200 kids, black, I didn’t know I had.
By roughly year 27 of my marriage to this wonderful woman my
two offspring headlong prior learned her disdain for me, hence the house in
which we resided was loveless, profoundly so with respect for me. Among the few useful concepts in psychology
today is the idea of being "stuck".
After decades of trying it was clear that it was not within my power to
one stick things in their lives, but that there was hope that with my physical
removal they might draw on their incredible capabilities and become
unstuck. Particularly with the woman I
was married to, and possibly with the two offspring, I believe this was a
correct judgment.
Several years prior time had left a 16 year career as a
turnaround expert in the computer industry, retooling myself as an elementary
school guidance counselor and placing myself in one of the largest, neediest,
elementary schools in the country, in blighted Chester Pennsylvania, just south
of Philadelphia.
This was probably the most joyful year of my life. Bottom line, I realized within months that
these 1200 kindergarten through sixth grade children or my immediate children,
no more, but no less, was their hold on my heart than my two beloved biological
offspring.
I'd say this represented Loving, me, making it through the
birth canal to become substantially the universally loving creature that we are
all born as, as predisposed by our DNA.
m) Answer #18 – Extraordinary Encounters with Loving Communities
By any objective measure I was very successful in the
specialization I created for myself in industry, the business turnaround
specialist, ensuring failing organizations, for the purpose of saving people's
jobs. By the end I was making $300,000 a
year.
Anyone that knows me knows that any success I had was not
due to my charm, good looks, healthful and I am to be around, how
engaging.... Any success I had was
despite these profound vacuums in my life.
One profoundly significant turnaround in which I was the
deciding element, years later I saw a brilliant, young, lieutenant that have
helped me and he told me his view of how I had created the Miracle. What he said was profoundly different than
anything I would have said but I recognized he was exactly correct. He said, you took we hundreds of people,
employees, clients, associated vendors, far flung across the country, hating each
other when you found us, and you turned us into a family. Yes, that's what I did, because I detest,
with every fiber of my being, anything but that, universal family.
And that's what I attempt to do with every breath, return us
to be the universal family, the immediate family to one another, but we were
created, by our DNA, to be.
Time and again, by working in producing at three times the
level of those who were much more fun to be around, I worked myself into
failing situations that would allow me to work this magic. The joy that was unleashed, every breath,
among those strangers, that became true family to one another, fighting for
each other's survival, that joy is beyond what all but one and a million can
imagine is available in some imaginary have an after death.
These tastes of what was possible became a point of no
return for me. I saw through these
experiences what was possible for all of humanity. It became increasingly impossible for me to
not attempt to become a catalyst, a pathway, for the sanity, this universal
family, this infinite joy, to prevail on earth.
This is exactly the madness that explains Jesus, Gandhi, King, and the
countless others like them. Nothing
more, nothing less, nothing else.
n) Answer #19 - 45 years of near-Joyless drilling – dry wells, brimming with pleasure
I've reported to you earlier that the profoundly strong, but
in articulate voice of my soul, my conscience, could not compete with the
profoundly articulate voice of criminal inquiry did in our society, and in my
profoundly, naturally wealthy upbringing.
And getting my MBA at a college, and desperately wanting to
Wells support, and hold onto, the woman I was married to, I knew nothing to do
other than go in the direction society pointed - business. So after college I got my MBA and became an
account executive in the computer industry.
As I've reported to you, by any objective measure, I was
extremely successful. And as ever ported
to you, through unspeakably hard work, and using my gifts, I was privileged to
create communities of the impossible joy.
But they were fleeting because outside forces were drawn to the success
and invariably would "fix" the successes by employing the norms of
business and thereby destroying the magic, thereby destroying the universal
family.
So the experience of what was possible, the infinite joy,
was unmistakably real for me, and excruciatingly fleeting.
I had a profound, but inarticulate ability, for bringing
this about.
I suppose I wish I could say that by 25 years into this
professional life I could see where a life of uninterrupted joy was to be
found. I could not. But I could look at those years of experience
and say unmistakably, our western capitalistic way of existence is totally and
profoundly in fertile for the joyful lives we were designed to have.
So I reached a point where my destination was unclear but I
was profoundly clear that society's idea of the destination was completely and
totally wrong. And my experiences last
14 years, each year, has only taught me how to correct this assessment was.
o) Answers #20… etc. Not necessarily in any order.
LOL – the rest of this outline will have to wait for a
different time. In just 5.5 hours time I
need wake up and travel cross town to get half my liver cared out.
Nite.
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