Why had my flame, my Spirit, my unity with God gone dangerously low? Had to do with:
- Being on autopilot massively absorbed in getting Obama elected.
- Being in an environment now of great unclarity when compared to the campaigns for Darfur, Iraq, Iran, against Bush... for so long.
- Being in an environment now that Obama is elected where it may be possible to be FOR something - the way the world should be, the way the world must be - to survive and flourish, and prosper; not just AGAINST the madness. But this requires massive work to discover, to learn, to conceive a comprehensive Truth based vision of how we are to Live on this earth at this time.
- The relatively new http://youtube.com/StartLoving1 ministry which is quite powerful but extremely time consuming with relatively mind-numbing technical work.
- Wounds from terminated relationships that were not too long ago hugely encouraging and nurturing and sustaining for me.
- Wounds from hostility and neglect both gleeful and unwitting from parties currently.
- Solitude, a Long Loneliness as Dorothy Day spoke of it.
- Massive discouragement at having worked so long and hard, at such cost and yet seen so little, if any impact.
- Discouragement that so much can be wrong, that we can be sooooooo sick; and as is always true with addiction, so totally determined to NOT be cured.
How it seems that my Spirit has become re-lit?
- I was alert to the flame-out; didn't deny it but recognized it as priority #1 - SPIRIT IS EVERTHING. SPIRIT IS EVERYTHING.
- Sought solitude and took as much time, 3 days, as was needed - pretty much solid - in bed. This was not easy. "What's wrong with you?" is among the thoughts that crowded in. "Maybe you will not re-ignite," was present. Frightening. "Maybe the folks that let you stay here will throw you out, as a bum," crowded in.
- SPIRIT IS EVERYTHING; WITH IT MIRACLES ARE POSSIBLE; WITHOUT IT NOTHING IS POSSIBLE.
The biggest surprise, the biggest lesson to me during this Retreat, this depression cycle, is that what seems to have caused a re-ignition is some advice a used to be friend gave me not too long ago - "Climb into the lap of God [the lap of Universal Love]." In previous cycles when my flame has gone low, or out, I've recovered other ways. This time, what I needed, was to remember to, and then to take the time to "climb into the lap of God." I didn't do it for me. I did it in an effort to regain the ability to be a prayer of hope for this dying, and almost dead world, my brothers and sisters, my children and parents.
Why did this do the trick? Near as I can tell, by accessing directly and deliberately, at some great effort the reservoir, the circuits within for Universal Love, it just kinda switches it on - Universal Love - like switching on a pump that has accidentally been allowed to switch off, or to become unplugged, powered off.
It felt like carrying an extinguished, a doused torch to a fire and feeling it ignite. For the first time I now find some meaning in the idea - "You must love yourself before you can love another." NO, but close. You must FIND Universal Love within yourself before you can share Universal Love toward another. "The Kingdom of God is within you. Be like a Child and find it."
I think I'm back now.
