[Spoiler alert: within moments it came absolutely clear to me, to my personal regret, that suicide is 100% out of the question for me].
I've been very open with you over the years. Why wouldn't I share this with you? I think it would be very wrong of me to not, on many levels. It is something others go through, it should be talked about, or at least, shared.
This is NOT a cry for help.
1. Suicide is totally out of the question for me. I saw that within minutes. Regrettably.
2. No one can help me through this. Like a rescuer of children, during the Holocaust, this is something I must work through, and solve, myself, the internal psychological, spiritual war, and the external, pragmatic implementation and execution plans.
I lay awake last night for at least 6 hours before being able to sleep - 9pm until at least 3am. This is partly due to the chemo, I think, partly sinus issues, partly permanent changes in my sleep patterns I've not yet figured out, partly the abject terror I feel for myself, for all of creation in the face of 2, not one, unfolding Armageddons - Ecocide and US/global economic Fascism; and a 3rd, personal, armageddon for me - the prospect of another 10-20 years of solitude, extreme vulnerability, etc. Ugh. Shudder.
It is that last one, to do with abject terror, that had me consider, seriously, for a few moments, whether suicide, at some future date, might be the answer for my agony of terror.
Within recent weeks, my life has 100% imploded, in as much as, for me, 'Life' is living out one's world view, especially in terms of how to serve the neediest of Creation. It imploded with my total and complete abandonment of any and all hope that my fellow humans would rise to the occasion to avert these two Armageddons unfolding before our eyes at terrifying speed. I have the intellectual, experiential, let alone moral right, to abandon all hope, because more than one in a million I've been devoting my very being to averting them - ecocide by global warming for 5 years with my every breath, and for the last 6 months, Fascism (tho it is just recently that I've come to see it as Fascism replacing Democracy, in truth, tho not in name).
So, my life of the last 15 years - attempting to spark a mass salvation of human future, is no more. My being, of the last 15 years, is no more. That's a pretty big thing to deal with! All of my life's decisions (economic, living on the street, isolation, tattoos, destitution...)have made sense in view of my goals, my attempts, and now, they are behind me, forever. That's kind of a pretty big shock to the system, the understatement of the millennium.
My Soul, Heart, and mind work like this - they spin out way ahead of me crunching input that I've been cramming in, but crunching it way out of my control - and then they spit out impressions - and the one that hit me quickly last night, particularly sparked with the thought of suicide (sleeping pills or something) was recollections of the contents of one of the most awe-inspiring books I've ever read (several times), "Courage and Conscience," by psychologist Eva Fogleman, on non-Jewish rescuers during the Holocaust. Breathtaking humanity. Unimaginable. THEY LIVED UNIMAGINABLE TERROR (personal, and for others), I instantly recalled. Maybe they personally considered suicide to end their personal terror (unimaginable terror). But instantly they too would realize that this relief was out of the question for them, because there were people that needed their attempts at saving, not the masses, but the few, or the one.
It further hit me that some of them, tho this is pure speculation on my part, devoted earlier years, maniacally, trying to stop the 3rd Reich in its infancy, and like I, realized at some point, that the dream of that happening imploded before their eyes, and probably not to the eyes of others they knew. The early fighters to prevent 3rd Reich domination, and then, to affect rescue when it was too late to stop, were in both cases, the one in a million weirdos. Isolated. Alone.
This is just how I feel today as I type this, and I do not expect it to change. I don't see how I can live with this terror, hour in, hour out, for myself, for US democracy, for all but the middle-and upper classes economically, for all of creation. Sheer terror - no jobs, throw away people to the powers that be; abandoned as soon as prudent, controlled as brutally as is desired by their police forces... masses that have become too inconvenient, by the middle class corporatocracy and their masters. Hunger Games, here, now. Elysium, here, now. I see it, plain as day. Living nightmare.
And I would end it for myself; it is no life living with such terror - crushing. Crushing. But it IS life attempting to rescue the few that realize they need to be rescued (just the smallest of fraction of Jews in Germany came out of their denial enough to see that they and their loved ones needed rescue, desperately.)
Over time, my personal, sheer, terror of a another 10 - 20 years isolation, solitude, working along, in physical destitution, more and more a vulnerable target of the Fascist police force as insane, snowballing income inequality in the US manifests its utter barbarity... will be pushed to the background as I learn to conceptualize, internalize, and again make central to my life the terror I already feel for my fellow human beings, and fellow creatures: Where can the lucky few escape to - off-empire? How to help babies escape by helping their parent's see the abject cruelty in having babies in such a time: 'woe to the mother with child in the end times...,' Jesus was speaking of the impeding destruction of the Jewish peoples... and of today, globally.
If you've read this far, please, if you do anything further with it, ponder it deeply, not as my story, but as the story of a serious human being, a minor prophet, maybe. Please, do not ignore me on this point.
It is NOT important as my personal story. In that sense, it is for me to work out. I'll work it out, tho it is the most daunting task of my lifetime. Please, do not ignore me on this point.
If you, understandably, find you ignore my admonition on these last two points, please be understanding if any reply is not as gentle, or understanding, as you might otherwise expect. I'm a soldier, at war. It ain't easy. It can't be made easy. I'm at the early stages of becoming a Holocaust rescuer. It can't be made easy.
I suspect it will shortly, (last chemo session Monday), have me living back on the ever more hostile, dangerous, fascist streets of DC, back in front of the Canadian Embassy, maintaining a vigil marking the murder of creation, and advocating for parents to not have babies; all the while studying escape routes for those looking to live off-empire, blogging, etc.
Thanks for sharing this journey with me, as much as you have. Don't let it hurt, or overwhelm you. I don't need more folks to worry about than I already have.
Oh, if you have any question as to the source, nature, and or intensity of my terror, these will help you, if anything can. They are 95% or better in line with the current, mainstream science and economic consensus, a distillation of what I've been studying with scholarly rigor for years:
3 min:
"We've passed the 59th minute."
10 min:
THE LAST HOURS
WELL WORTH IT 2 hour plus documentary:
vid. End of Empire, Civ, Life.
