James has been very much alive these last twenty years, escaping the insane asylum that is our cultural norms, our prescribed cultural way of being walking death. But these years do not match the freshman year in college for James.
It is still indescribable. There were material aspects. It was materially a conducive environment, an upscale liberal College in a program where James had near complete Freedom of Choice over courses.
But that wasn't it. What James had for that year was a feeling of complete liberation of his psychological being.
It was a Holy Grail lost that following summer and never reclaimed, maybe until yesterday?
Time will tell. But this is the first time that James has had an inkling of what happened, what was going on, and how to recover it.
And as of this morning this is the theory that James will pursue. James freshman year in college from the start he became a soul in charge of his head and Flesh. It just happens. Although it happened because he had been a captive of his flesh and secondarily his head all the years up until then, and it's some deep level James knew it wasn't working. So he tried something different, something immensely effective, but he didn't know what it was.
James was very much aware of his flesh, and of his head, but they were never in charge. They were tools for him, respected and treasured vehicles for his soul. What he now understands to be his soul, his limbic system, was every breath in charge. This was unconscious competence, now finally after all these decades becoming conscious?
It was a constant sense of being part of the infinite. It was unending Joy.
James is now plagued by chronic back pain except as the day wears on and James is up right and under those circumstances for the most part the pain subsides.
Yesterday wrote James of becoming aware that this pain was empowering his flesh to be in charge. Very understandable. But what a waste of existence? How inferior to the experience of the Soul being in charge? For James, yes. He encountered this before, five years ago, during painful and debilitating many months of cancer treatment. And only toward the end of those many months did James begin to realize that his life was being directed by the pain and that it was no life at all. And he began to move his Consciousness out to those he was trying to serve and it helped a lot.
But it was nowhere near the clarity that James seems to have achieved this morning. The soul being in charge. Is that a device for denying the pain? It is a means of denying the pain to be in control. And more importantly, choosing to be a soul in a meat suit (thanks Mel) with that pain.
James realizes this is inconclusive, but it is the first time in almost 60 years has had any idea at all what he had that he lost that freshman year.
But he has been acutely aware all that time that he had the Supreme, and it was lost, and that he had no idea how to reclaim it.
Now he has some idea.
He will now gain some experience and knowledge as to if he is correct.
And although he knew when he lost it, now for the first time he has some inkling of why. His doting, beloved father, decided that James would like to learn flying airplanes. James did not think it a bad idea and went along with the idea of his father who he revered above everyone, and still.
The flight instructor, and one is alone with the instructor during all the training, was criminally abusive psychologically. Probably a military background. The name and the appearance of this creature totally Escapes Me. But the psychological pain, the brilliant attack on the soul was relentless and excruciating. And as this back pain was moving James out of the soul and into the flesh, this monster achieve that with James, with the excruciating unrelenting barrage of psychological pain. And without the conscious competence that maybe he finally has, he was defenseless.
And without the conscious competence he had not a clue of exactly what he had lost, or how to go about regaining it. It was agony for many many years.