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JAMES' PERSONAL WRITINGS: SLOVING
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10.28.2013

Cancer update: Loving had a complete, total, 100%, psychotic break.

Cancer update: Loving had a complete, total, 100%, psychotic break.

There's no exaggeration in this.  There's no particular importance to this accept that as a career, ardent, passionate psychologist, it is profoundly useful to me that I had this learning experience.

It took me about a week to put together all the details.  I don't remember when I first heard information trickling out but I suspect it was a week ago Saturday, the first day following the operation.  In reasonably good spirits, but with a tinge of alarm, a very nice and competent Dr., a surgical assistant to the primary liver surgeon on my case, the head of the department, with good humor, but with a tinge of concern, he very briefly noted that I had been extremely confrontational in the OR, after the operation.

It would be interesting to reconstruct how I put it all together, over the following week, because for obvious reasons it was something they did not want to discuss further.  And I did not press the point.  But I do not feel up to a full reconstruction to you, so I'll go right to what is now clear to me happened.

And even as a recount this I find this a profoundly interesting insight into how our nervous System Works, and into of the exact stuff of what is a full psychotic break with reality.  A break such as that woman from Connecticut had, with her child in the back of the car, ramming into White House pylons, and then racing across town to get shot at Congress, because with zero question, Pr. Obama had her under surveillance.
In earlier times, whatever general guessing I have made as to such a psychological experience, such guessing is of no use compared to my actual experience this last week.

When I awoke in the OR, the following things were perfectly clear to me, though I never opened my eyes at any point.  Were my eyes bound?  I have no idea. Did I open and have zero recall of that? Zero registering???

The following was absolute certain fact to me:

1.  I was immensely upset because they had obviously, unmistakably, immediately aborted what was to be a 5 hour operation.  I knew this with certainty, because with zero clues, evidence, anything, to the contrary, my body was perfectly clear - I had been under anesthesia for less than 10 seconds.

2.  Oh I was not in the OR.  I was in the recovery room.  This was obvious, because in the OR I would not be being treated by such incompetent imbeciles.  Note: I recall what I said quite clearly and in no way did I Express any such derogatory sentiments (I pray).  But it was clear to me that these were inept trainees.

3.  My pain was an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10.  It was sheer agony.  The pain was in my back, not in my stomach.  On this item I was actually correct.

4.  My pain was due in large part to being ignorantly placed in an upright sitting position.  In point of fact I am a highly trained back care specialist.  This is true in the real world as well.  This excruciating pain was stemming from these inept trainees attempting to set me up with no support behind my pelvis.  I do not suspect I was able to touch any one during this break.  I suspect I was already under restraint, or placed there real quick.  But I know that I attempted to use my arms both to supply lower back support to my pelvis, and to stuff a pillow against my lower pelvis where I knew it would relieve the pain.

OK.  In the highly trained, relevantly trained, domain of my mind, I was absolutely correct in all this.  Really. Impeccable.

But in the real world of commonly observable facts, truth, I was dead wrong, completely wrong in everything I've just shared with you except for those several points where I've made note.

1.  I was absolutely in the OR, and not the recovery room.  Note, why I never opened my eyes and saw anything I have no idea.  Was I clenching against the pain?  Were my eyes bound?  Was I 'blind' even with my eyes open???

2.  The operation was not aborted, it went the full 5 hours that was planned, I believe.  Anesthesia is just amazing.  In my case, this time, it is as though they completely cut power to my nervous system, to my brain, and then instantly restored power when the operation was over.  Astonishing.

3.  Oh I have no information whatsoever that they were trying to set me up right.  Much more likely they were seeking my help in shifting to the gurney.  As best I can recall, within 120 seconds of this incident beginning they had put me completely out again, and I have no recollection after that, thank god.  That pain was too much.

4.  On November 10, as I recall, I meet with my liver surgeon for a checkup and the staples to be removed.  Oh, what fun.  If I feel that me asking the following question will not be destructive of our communication I intend to ask, why it was my back that was so extremely painful?  Do you hyper extend the back in some way so as to make the internal organs more exposed through the incision?  This would make perfect sense.  But in any case, why was my back in such extreme pain, and why for the next four or five days was my back always more sore than my belly?  Just curious.

So what did I learn about complete psychotic break?  That our brain has a mode, a switch if you will, that can be set for absolute certainty.  By virtue of this switch we can have absolutely necessary clarity, confidence, forceful assertion....  We'd be crippled without this.

What I have more personally experienced is how that switch, and the setting thereof, can be totally divorced from reality without the slightest clue that it has been incorrectly set; and worse, without the slightest interest in, or openness to, the possibility that it has been incorrectly set.  'Why waste time on the totally obvious?'  Argh.

At the most basic level I suspect that I have just clinically laid out 'psychotic break', as well as 'psychotic break' can be laid out.

Among the many reasons that I by my nature drive away who otherwise might be active Allies on the left, is because I refuse to close the door on any and every possibility for error which may exist.  Obviously I'm a person of action.  Obviously I'm a person of strong views.  But I am very deliberate and determined that I not with any breath close off entirely the possibility that I am incorrect.  Obviously this does not cripple me from acting.  It is burdensome in the sense that I am constantly seeking new information where others have moved on.  The creative greats throughout history have spoken of how such humility is absolutely necessary to the pursuit of truth.

I'm nothing but glad at having this experience.  I've learned a lot.  I'm told I hurt no one, except maybe myself, physically.  And this psychotic break was 100% do to the introduction of external chemicals, drugs.

This good young woman, Intern from Alabama, turning do-gooder living in Dom Repub, reporting on her Socktober for we poor.

Socktober! Thanks for all the donations so far! Last week of sock acquisition! Message me for details if you have some socks to donate.
Look at all the socks for our homeless friends downtown! #socktober #leastofthesedc http://ow.ly/i/3ygRH

BBC coverage criticised for favouring climate change sceptics. The Guardian

BBC coverage criticised for favouring climate change sceptics

The Guardian

pic. 'Imagine how different our country would be if people had the same passion and fury for ensuring access to doctors as they have for ensuring access to weapons.'

Or if healthcare had its own amendment.

Thanks to Pink Progressives for sharing.
 
 
 
pic. 'Imagine how different our country would be if people had the same passion and fury for ensuring access to doctors as they have for ensuring access to weapons.'
Like ·

***** link. FREE THE ARCTIC 30

ARCTIC - Protecting the Arctic from companies like Gazprom, means protecting us all
Protecting the Arctic from companies like Gazprom, means protecting us all. Free the Arctic 30: www.greenpeace.org/

A123 to collaborate with SolidEnergy on a battery to quadruple range. Autoblo

A123 to collaborate with SolidEnergy on a battery to quadruple range

Autoblo

***** pic. Obamacare's survival depends on signup of 2.7 young 'invincibles.'

Heavy air pollution in Canadian area with cancer spikes. www.sciencedaily.com

The area downwind of the tarsands in Alberta has more air contaminants than some of the world's most polluted cities. The rural area is seeing men suffer elevated rates of cancers linked to carcinogenic chemicals used in tarsands extraction, like 1,3-butadiene and benzene. #NoKXL
L

pic. 'Their shutdown cost us $24 billion. We could have hired 650,000 teachers for that.

Go Left added a new photo.

link. NO OIL TRAINS in north Idaho and Spokane! Come to Clark College in Vancouver, Washington, before 5 pm on Tuesday, October 29, to participate in a rally, press conference, and the first public hearing about the unprecedented, proposed 360,000-barrel-per-day Tesoro Savage rail-to-port Bakken shale

NO OIL TRAINS in north Idaho and Spokane! Come to Clark College in Vancouver, Washington, before 5 pm on Tuesday, October 29, to participate in a rally, press conference, and the first public hearing about the unprecedented, proposed 360,000-barrel-per-day Tesoro Savage rail-to-port Bakken shale (and eventually tar sands?) oil terminal at the publicly owned Port of Vancouver on the Columbia River. Based on public input, the Washington Energy Facility Site Evaluation Council will make a recommendation to Governor Inslee, who can grant or deny facility construction. A Bakken shale oil train exploded and killed 47 people in Lac-Megantic, Quebec, on July 6, and Tesoro is still cleaning (covering) up a September 29 pipeline oil spill en route to a North Dakota rail terminal.
L

.ink. The Trans-Pacific Partnership could sharply increase U.S. exports of natural gas - creating incentives for more fracking

TRANS-PACIFIC PARTNERSHIP - The Trans-Pacific Partnership could sharply increase U.S. exports of natural gas - creating incentives for more fracking
The Trans-Pacific Partnership could sharply increase U.S. exports of natural gas - creating incentives for more fracking. The Department of Energy could lose its authority to regulate exports of natural gas to countries that have signed a "free trade" agreement with the U.S. that includes "national treatment for trade in gas." The TPP could also eliminate the government's prerogative to determine whether the mass export of natural gas to TPP countries - including Japan, the world's largest natural gas importer - is in the public interest. The resulting surge in natural gas exports would not only raise gas and electricity prices for consumers, but would ramp up the dangerous, chemical-laden practice of fracking. Learn more at http://www.exposethetpp.org/TPPImpacts_TheEnvironment.html

More oil trains expected in Washington under proposals. www.komonews.com

“To take advantage of a boom in oil from North Dakota’s Bakken region, three terminals – in Anacortes, Tacoma, and Clatskanie, Oregon – are already receiving crude oil by trains. Other facilities are proposed at the ports of Grays Harbor and Vancouver, and at refineries. Together, the ten projects would be capable of moving nearly 800,000 barrels per day.”
Li

Continuing Torturing at Guantanamo: Force-feeding (IS Torture) hunger-strikers. Aljazeera.com

Continuing at Guantanamo: Force-feeding hunger-strikers

Aljazeera.com

Israeli Un-Human Chain to Block Palestinian Convicts' Release. The Jewish Press

Israeli Human Chain to Block Palestinian Convicts' Release

The Jewish Press

Saudi UN envoy criticizes Israel's 'daily violations' in Palestine. Al-Arabiya

Saudi UN envoy criticizes Israel's 'daily violations' in Palestine

Al-Arabiya

***** Palestine's Mandela, Marwan Barghouti. Aljazeera.com

Palestine's Mandela

Aljazeera.com - ‎14 hours ago‎

HRW lashes out at Israeli 'harassment' of Palestinian prisoner advocacy group. RT

HRW lashes out at Israeli 'harassment' of Palestinian prisoner advocacy group

RT

Netanyahu Pisses on International Law, rejects Palestinian right of return to Israel Jerusalem Post

Netanyahu rejects Palestinian right of return to Israel

Jerusalem Post

What's going on in Syria is about a lot more than chemical weapons. The Guardian

What's going on in Syria is about a lot more than chemical weapons

The Guardian

10.27.2013

Huh? Looks interesting, but I've not read yet - Pentagon weighs future of its inscrutable nonagenarian futurist, Andrew W ... Washington Post

Washington Post

***** Cancer Update: The basic human decency of most of the staff in the Infirmary. Amazing.

This note is NOT about who is NOT Family to me. It is about the
unexpected, amazing, Gospel foretold insights I'm getting as to who
IS Family toward me.

A higher percentage of these otherwise homeless and penniless guys
that staff the Infirmary, and other parts of the shelter, in return
for a room, and maybe food, genuinely care about me and my
outcomes more than any other group, segment, classification... I can think
of in my life.

These are really rough dudes, with lifelong really TOUGH environments,
whose toughness, unfairness, cruelty of backgrounds I can't begin
to imagine.

"Blest are the poor."  In many cases it took a good 2-3 months for them
to warm up to me - an obviously grotesquely overprivileged (ok, not in the
$$$ dept - that's gone) in education, childhood home life, elite adult
life....

Of course I made no attempts toward this warming of relationship - I just
attempted to be the Loving Brother, harsh, austere, hermitish... Brother
I attempt to be with every breath, to every one, as the need presents
itself. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.

But unlike school classmates, hospital staffs, prior suburban community
acquantances... it is among the poor that I find the closest to a Family
relationship, in how  they react to me - the staff here, the 1 or two other
inmates here, and my sisters and brothers on the street... as a class.

Why?  Why does someone raised in a drug den behave differently than
one not?  What these brothers may see as deprivation in their lives, is exactly analogous
to the 'deprivation' of the child NOT born, raised, living in the drug den.
They are deprived of affloholism, leaving much more of their humanity
in tact, than we over-privileged as a group.

Solar Panels The New Granite Countertops, But Not For Long… CleanTechnica

Solar Panels The New Granite Countertops, But Not For Long…

CleanTechnica

Cancer Upate: Pain Barely Manageable today. Meds let me sleep all day. Wooohoooo.

 Wow, I never, never, never... considered that a day when my pain was
manageable I'd experience as, 'Thank you Jesus!!!!!!!!' Well, that's how it is
now.

My experience of the pain and the meds interaction is that it is extremely
variable, and I can't see any explanatory pattern.  Yesterday and this morning
were near unbearable, but from mid morning until now, well, I could sleep,
not being awakened by horrible shooting pain.

So far, the overall cycle has been one day bearable, next day bearable.
Will things stabilize?  Get worse? Get better?

Throat pain from multiple NG tubes SEEMS TO BE GONE!!!!!!

Stomach pain is the worst, back pain can be really bad.  Huh??? In the OR
as I awoke the pain I had, a 10, was, uh, BACK PAIN!!!!!  What????
I'm curious, but have never thought to ask, do they, for that 5 hour operation,
hyper extend or contract the back to get a better access to the liver???

All I know is that since day 1 - day 4 back pain tended to be WORSE
than my stomach.  Hmmmm.  This is no longer true, stomach is always the
worse, but back can get really bad, too.

 OH!  And there is this MAGIC pill they gave me in a script after I left the
hospital (?), THANK GOD, that I take before every meal!!!!  Barely anything
was going down without immense muscle pain all along my throat into the
stomach!?!?!?!?  IT WAS AWFUL, SOOOO UPSETTING, DEEPLY
DISTRESSING.  This new pill, within 5 minutes after taking it, reduces
that pain by 80-100%!!!!!  My whole system, all symptoms combined, still
have me eat like the slowest of snails (no disrespect my little tiny sis and bros).
On 1/3 of the dinner I'd pre-op normally take, I've just finished, it has been
45 minutes.  But, compared to where I've been these recent days,
WHO CARES!?!!?!??!  A God-send.

No complaints.  My existence is Heaven compared to folks in Syria, Palestine,
US Inner Cities, much of the middle east for females.........................
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California governor allows freedom to woman who killed pimp. New York Daily News

California governor allows freedom to woman who killed pimp

New York Daily News

Swiss Greenpeace activist hits out at Russia detention conditions. AFP

AFP

Vote Christie as President of the Deniers! One year after Sandy, Christie officials sleepwalking on climate change: Opinion The Star-Ledger

One year after Sandy, Christie officials sleepwalking on climate change: Opinion

The Star-Ledger - NJ.com (blog) - ‎11 hours ago‎

How Far Can Egypt's John Stewart Go Without Being Thrown In Jail? - By David ... Foreign Policy

How Far Can Egypt's John Stewart Go Without Being Thrown In Jail? - By David ...

Foreign Policy - ‎5 hours ago‎

Obama bombs Syria! Huh? Oops. Sorry - Syria meets crucial deadline for chemical weapons plan USA TODAY

Syria meets crucial deadline for chemical weapons plan

USA TODAY - ‎2 hours ago‎

Saudi Arabia women defy authorities over female driving ban. CNN

Saudi Arabia women defy authorities over female driving ban

CNN - ‎16 hours ago‎

Cancer Update: Throat pain seems gone!?! All I can do is try to survive the stomach pain these last 18 hours or so - noting else. Maybe that is lifting now briefly. Why such waves?

Cancer Update:  Throat pain seems gone!?!  All I can do is try to survive the stomach pain these last 18 hours or so - noting else. Maybe that is lifting now briefly.  Why such waves?