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10.17.2017

James? A sad case of runaway compassion. This the wife......

James? A sad case of runaway compassion. This the wife...... of a co-executive in the dc-based company I worked with commented regarding the hunger strike I was on to stop the genocide in Darfur. 2007. Another person, who has known me longer than anyone, in the 1980s and 90s perceived me as terribly insecure. The following I've not thought of or grasped until just this moment. Why? I don't know. It just hit me. My dad is the most wonderful Soul I've ever known, the most important intellect, the greatest person I've known. He was a nationally recognized and respected, great teacher of music, but more importantly, of people. His love for me was infinite and I still can't figure out why he didn't have me killed for being such a criminally underperforming lazy self-absorbed child. I'm serious. He loved me deeply. I think he must have seen some goodness that was there. He had tremendous mood swings. Mostly to do with disappointment in himself but sometimes disappointment regarding me. He rarely if ever put those disappointments to words. This left me with the theoretical choice of blowing off his moods, which was totally impossible for someone that I so revered, or trying to milk understanding out of the most fleeting facial expression, the one or two words uttered, any tiny clue as to what was going on in that great man. It was Agony for me. It was excruciating for me. For days on end I would try and figure out what's going on. But no credit to me, maybe it was his intent, but it made me an astute listener, and astute Observer at learner. In fact, way way way way way way Beyond most people. No credit to me. But when I care about something I am an intense listener, an intense Observer. The rat has 100 or 1,000 or more times to sensitivity in their nose that we do. In the few things I care about I have those powers of observation. When I look at any good I have brought to life, to the world, it stems from these powers that were developed in this way. No credit to me. And these Powers enabled a New Jersey boy who really went skiing to become a world-class skier, acutely aching for the mountain to teach him how to ski. And a very substantial Windsurfer who rarely got to go. And some of the turned around failing business situations that everyone else saw was hopeless. And someone that started Living the unimaginable nightmare of global warming many years before even the experts. And now riding the potential of living likely on Mother Earth, and moving across the country in a similar way.

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