I've been losing it. If you would hold on to your life, you will lose it, my teacher taught. I've been losing it. No, this is absaf****** lutely not about guilt. I'm not interested in guilt. Never have been. I'm interested in gratification, joy in particular. Are we surprised when that piece of human dung Donald Trump wants an extra billion dollars? No! We understand that kind of greed for what it is. Why can't we understand someone who has an insatiable Greed for Joy, for sense of meaning in life , such as I? Exactly as it is maddeningly difficult for me to maintain Peak form, efficiency, output, when I am pedaling the bicycle, or the same when I was the skiing down an expert slope, it is maddening ly difficult to stay on the optimal path for Joy, for sense of meaning in life. In each of these Pursuits there are various mental tricks I've learned, and physical tricks and techniques and ideas etcetera to maintain Peak Performance and Peak gratification. But somehow the nervous system constantly forgets, gets off of the optimal path, distracts itself etcetera. The teaching of Jesus, if you would hold onto your life you will lose it, was not some horrible warning about going to heaven or hell after this life. It was a psychological truth that when we allow fear and worry and anxiety and selfishness to distract us from attempting to do good, to that degree, we diminish our feeling of joy and meaning in life. Standing Rock was pretty traumatic. The month after was pretty traumatic for me. My body remembers how traumatic the 2-month Sprint across the country in the vehicle was to get to Standing Rock before the first blizzard. Thankfully, I am realizing this morning that although my joy and gratification have been quite high in recent weeks, my gratification has been somewhat diminished because I have been trying to hold on to my life. More than I absolutely need to I have been giving in to the unrecognized fear in me of dealing with cold wet weather which can be quite problematic given this bicycle vehicle. Similarly the physical and psychological stress of sleeping in Walmart parking lot wondering if police or vandals will make a target of me. I am grateful to recognize this morning that the fear has been operating in me. I expect to more dangerously and boldly push past these fears in coming days and to be more gratified and effective as a consequence. beginning last week there were unexplained failures in the motor system of the vehicle for the first time. there is a remote chance that I know what the problem is and how to avoid it going forward. Also, I am awaiting delivery tomorrow of an inexpensive camera attachment that will let me look at a difficult to see wiring area to see if that's the problem. also tomorrow the Canadian outfit from which I bought the electronics should be opened and I hope to hear from them what explanation they think applies. So with all this I expect to be here with fellow water protectors helping out where and when I can, at least through early Wednesday morning. At that time I expect to resume Eastward travel possibly on a ferry over to Michigan or down south of Chicago to Lansing, Flint, Detroit, and then maybe on through Ohio and part of Pennsylvania.